Monster of Logic: Side Stories
by NOT 80K Hikigaya
Summary: Sanctioned Spin-Off Side Stories to 'Monster of Logic' (by Alxariam) - Read first, or you'll be as lost as Hikigaya Hachiman. (Side Story 7) While in the Service Club, Hikigaya Hachiman was frequently compared to the undead. Now a Gensoukyou resident, he should have expected to run into an actual undead sooner or later.
1. Tea for Two

This is a side story to Monster of Logic by Alxariam. She has granted approval to an unpopular writer like me to invoke her story.

This snippet takes place after chapter 3 of her story, though it may not line up with future MoL canon, depending on how MoL develops.

* * *

Original Blurb: Yakumo Yukari and Yukinoshita Haruno chat about our favorite disillusioned loner stuck in a land of illusion.

* * *

**Side Story 1 — Tea for Two**

* * *

Yakumo Yukari was beaming.

_Finally, another __interesting__ human! In Gensoukyou! And he's not terrified of youkai, to boot!_

Needless to say, such a find was incredibly rare, despite Yukari's age [**GAPPED**].

I mean, despite Yukari's eternally seventeen years young age… [**1**]

_Very good, narrator. You may live another day._

Yeesh. Where was I? Oh, right. The Youkai of Boundaries was positively delighted to have unexpectedly obtained another fascinating toy. How long it would last in comparison to past playthings would have to be seen, depending on how quickly the boy could acclimate himself to the unfamiliar world and its lack of common sense rules.

Fortunately, the boy appeared to be quick on the uptake. Granted, he overestimated his observation abilities, but they were far above an average human's. Perhaps his unusual eyes really did grant him stat bonuses? [+20 Perception, -50 Approachability]

_He mentioned that he was originally from Chiba, was it? Hmmm, that reminds me; I haven't spoken to _her_ in a while. Who knows? There might even be the one-in-a-million chance that she's run into him before!_ [**2**]

Yukari grabbed her parasol and opened a portal to Chiba City, Japan, but not before yelling out to Ran, her familiar and eternally-burdened fox servant. "Ran, I'll be going out for a bit! Don't forget to feed Chen! And if that human comes back, try to learn a bit more about him! After all, I'm counting on you to impersonate him!"

A loud sigh/groan could be heard in response. "Yes, Yukari-sama. Understood." The fight in Ran had long since vanished, not unlike other metaphysical concepts in one of the many boundary-altering instances that her mistress had whimsically indulged in.

The portal closed and Gensoukyou was temporarily without its most feared Gatekeeper.

Well, maybe second most feared, depending on how you viewed a certain shrine maiden.

* * *

Yukinoshita Haruno was bored. Nothing unusual about that; her daily life had become routine and monotonous. She didn't feel particularly connected nor attached to her family members, save for her younger sister, but interfering in Yukino's life wasn't producing the desired results at the expected rate these days. Haruno also had no one she would consider a peer on her level; if her stats were translated to an RPG, she could solo the entire final dungeon without breaking a sweat.

OK, there were a few other exceptions to her uneventful existence, namely one Hikigaya Hachiman. But when she had waited to intercept him on the way home from his school, he never appeared, so she was in even less of a good mood. Initially, she had assumed Service Club activities had run longer than usual, but Yukino had not indicated anything of the sort.

And then there was _that_ incident. Haruno wasn't a superstitious type, nor did she believe in aliens and ghosts or other supernatural phenomena. Quips about Hachiman's resemblance to zombies aside, it was foolish of her to buy into such nonsense.

At least, that's what she used to think, before she met Yakumo Yukari a few weeks ago. The very out of place attire, blonde hair in a sea of mostly raven-colored individuals, and the incredible confidence with which Yukari had carried herself when she approached Haruno's booth in the little café had left Haruno internally scratching her head. Was she a foreign dignitary? Perhaps a case of mistaken identity ("All Asians look alike")? Or just a crazy person?

Then Yukari addressed the elder Yukinoshita by her full name, eliminating the second possibility. Apparently, all she wanted to do was have a little chat. Yukari told her that she was new to Chiba, was looking for a friendly individual to help show her around, maybe make a friend or two in the process.

At the time, Haruno had donned her best mask, clearly wary of the mysterious individual's motives, as was her usual modus operandi. Yukari had done the same, but rather than two opaque glass panes, it was more like a one-way mirror, with Haruno being unable to see through Yukari's true self. Yukari was not called the 'Elusive and Two-Faced Youkai' for nothing.

In all honesty, Yukinoshita Haruno had felt fear for the first time in her entire life.

In the end, after spending an afternoon with Yukari, they parted ways, with Haruno having gleaned little to no meaningful information on her new acquaintance. And so, Haruno felt that they would probably never cross paths ever again, because, come on, what are the odds of _that_ happening?

"Hey there, Haruno! How have you been?"

If Haruno had been consuming any food or drink right then, she might have starting choking.

Sputtering, she exclaimed, "Y-you again?" That Yukari had emerged out of seemingly nowhere was not helping matters.

"No, no. Not 'you'. My name is 'Yukari'. Don't tell me you've forgotten already?" She placed her free hand on her hip and made a mock pouting expression.

"I thought I'd never see you again, so is it any wonder that I'm surprised?" Haruno did her best to collect herself, noting that she was in her own apartment and that no one else could have witnessed the sudden appearance of Yukari.

"Did you miss me that much?" teased Yukari. "I'm soooo moved, Haruno!"

"That's not what I meant, Yukari. The odds were just too low, as far as I could tell, that's all." Haruno didn't realize that Yukari could easily manipulate the boundary between probable and improbable, though at least one other Chiba resident may have believed it.

Somewhere, a bespectacled otaku sneezed.

"So, what brings you here? Couldn't you at least call me ahead of time to let me know you were stopping by? And how did you even get in here?"

"Now, now, let's not worry about the details, Haruno. I just wanted to chat with you again, nothing more. I was too excited that I forgot to contact you. Tee-hee!" Yukari made a bonking motion wholly inappropriate for her age ra-

[**_GAPPING THREAT INTENSIFIES_**]

I mean, Yukari made a cute childish bonking motion, begging for forgiveness in an incredibly insincere manner.

[**_GAPPING THREAT DIMINISHES_**]

"And what could be so riveting that you had to rush over here?" Haruno was resisting the urge to roll her eyes, expecting some lame gossip to spill from Yukari's mouth.

"Well, I met a boy."

"That's it, I'm calling the police."

"Hang on! It's not like that! Let me finish."

"This is going to take a while, isn't it? Let me prepare some tea and snacks, then." Haruno was oddly fine with a home invasion, though having met the person (?) before probably helped reduce the anxiety factor. After returning with the promised refreshments, she prompted Yukari to continue.

"As I was saying, I recently met an interesting boy. In my…country, our population is overwhelmingly female, so men are uncommon. He said he was from Chiba, so I thought, 'Haruno is also from Chiba! Maybe she knows him!'" Yukari took a sip of the piping hot tea.

"You said you were from far-off place, not well-known, right, Yukari? I seriously doubt I know anybody who would venture into a location like that."

"Funny thing about that; the boy says he doesn't know how he got there, but after talking with him, it sounds like he just wanted to run away from Chiba and didn't really care where he ended up."

Haruno thought for a moment, trying to see if _he_ would ever do such a thing, before dismissing the idea. _He'd_ never_ leave his precious imouto alone, no matter what._

"Did you at least ask for his name? I can't think of anyone who I personally know that would try to escape reality through such extreme measures." She bit into a cracker and washed it down with some tea. [**3**]

"Oh, his name is Hachi-chan."

Haruno spit out her tea at hearing Yukari's nickname for a certain fish-eyed loner. Yukari's reflexes allowed her to instantaneously bring up her parasol to immediately block the liquid projectile barrage, causing it to harmlessly splatter to the side of the room.

"'Hachi-chan'? As in Hikigaya Hachiman?" a bewildered Haruno gaped while absentmindedly wiping the area dry.

Yukari clapped her hands. "That's right! So you do know who I'm talking about! Great! Maybe you can tell me more about him!" Unlike the previous instances, this coincidence was not brought about by the Youkai of Boundaries, but by a hack writer who already has two strikes against him for commenting on [**GAPPED**].

A million questions filled Haruno's mind. _How did Hachiman make it all the way…there? Wherever 'there' is. Why did he leave Chiba so suddenly? How much of his encounter with Yukari was a mere coincidence and how much was manipulated? Should I come up with an embarrassing nickname for Hayato? What should I make for dinner tonight? Now that I have an unexpected guest, I need to make sure she doesn't have any food allerg- No, wait! Go back to Hachiman's circumstances!_

"Is he alright?" Despite viewing nearly everyone else as non-equals, Haruno saw Hikigaya Hachiman as an intriguing person, not quite equal, but at the very least not boring.

She would hate it if her favorite toy disappeared just like that.

"Surprisingly, he's holding up just fine. Hachi-chan is staying at my place for now, getting his bearings before figuring out his next move." That part wasn't quite true (yet), as Hachiman had steadfastly refused Yukari's suspiciously generous offer of freeloading. He wasn't enough of a fool to think a free lunch truly existed, no matter where he went.

He was still a fool in a myriad of other ways, though. That, sadly, couldn't be denied.

"I just want to reconfirm something, Yukari. You have absolutely no interest in boys _that_ way, right?" Haruno was insinuating a less-than-squeaky-clean connotation, something which was not lost on Yukari.

"Oh, heavens no! Even if my area has a miniscule dating pool, I wouldn't throw myself at just anybody who happened to be male! I do have standards, you know. I'm in no hurry to get married or settle down."

Somewhere, a lab coat wearing Christmas Cake teacher sneezed.

_It's probably Hikigaya thinking something negative about me again. I'll have to pay him back the next time I see him in school._

"If you want me to enlighten you as to why he ran away, I'm afraid I can't help you there, Yukari. It's not like I keep tabs on his life to the extent that I can pinpoint a trigger." _But I do keep tabs on his life to a fair extent, not that you need to know that._

Yukari smirked; it was obvious that Haruno held some positive affection for Hachi-chan, though calling it romantic in nature at this point in time would be misleading. A more accurate description might be 'fascination', bordering (pun fully intended) on 'obsession'?

"From what I could gather, he doesn't have many strong bonds with family and friends, does he?"

"Hachiman finds it difficult to trust people. Without trust, relationships cannot be strengthened. Hell, I know that he doesn't fully trust _me_, and I'm someone who knows the real him!"

Cocking an eyebrow, Yukari prodded, "Really? Well, is there _anyone_ that he trusts? He did mention that several people would be worried by his sudden disappearance, but acknowledging their concern does not mean he necessarily trusts these people."

"Komachi." Haruno's response was immediate.

"Komachi?" Yukari reeled imperceptibly, caught off-guard. _He didn't mention running into her yet, so how could he trust her already?_

Haruno, however, was skilled at catching micro-expressions and noticed the brief change in Yukari's demeanor. "Komachi is his younger sister. Did that come as a surprise to you? That someone as distant as him valued his family member that much?"

Shaking it off, Yukari responded, "No, it wasn't that. I just happen to know someone else named Komachi as well, so the name threw me for a loop. But it does explain a few things, though."

"Like what?" inquired Haruno.

"He was less confrontational when dealing with Chen, almost treating her like a little sister."

"Chen? Who's Chen?"

"Oh, right. You've never met her. Chen is my…daughter's pet cat."

"Wait, you're saying Hachiman treated a cat like he would a human being? That's bizarre, even for him. Oh! But he does have a pet cat of his own, so maybe it's just cat owner instincts kicking in."

"…" Yukari wanted to make a joke about Hachi-chan's age preferences, but more so than that, she wanted to avoid giving the narrator yet another easy target, for fear of losing control and [**GAPPING**] him out of existence, leaving the story forever unfinished.

"Yeah, let's go with that. Is there anyone else besides his sister? Any close friends?"

Haruno snorted. "Truth be told, I'm not sure he considers anyone his friends. He keeps them all at arm's length, if they haven't already ostracized him first."

"Wow, that's pretty harsh. No wonder he felt like he had nobody to turn to."

"There are several of his peers trying to break his walls, but he's too stubborn to admit that people care about him that way." _Like my sister and Gahama-chan, for instance._

"Are you perhaps among those people, Haruno?" teased Yukari.

"As if. I simply enjoy watching drama unfold, especially if I have a hand in creating it." Somehow, the excuse sounded less convincing than it used to.

"We really are alike in that regard, aren't we? If nothing interesting is occurring, we take it into our own hands to make something interesting happen."

"Life is too short as is, so excitement should be sought out wherever and whenever possible." Haruno felt more at ease now, treating Yukari as a kindred spirit of sorts.

Yukari, once again, suppressed her inner thoughts on lifespan and longevity, using her border-manipulating powers to break the Fourth Wall to glare directly at the author of this story, daring him to make one more crack about [**GAPPED**].

Sipping her tea, she went over what she had learned about Hachi-chan, which wasn't much, admittedly. Maybe some of it could help Ran when she crossed the border to impersonate him later on. She needed more information; an unconvincing act would only lead to more questions from those who knew him well.

"Say, is Hachi-chan part of any clubs? Sports?"

"Actually, he is. Though I hear he was sort of forced into it as an attempt to improve his attitude." _With mixed results, I might add. He is a runaway right now, after all._

"That certainly sounds like the only way he would join," commented Yukari. "What kind of things do they do?"

"He's part of something called the 'Service Club', where they take requests from students and try to help them with various issues. One time, I even asked them to help me improve my relationship with my younger sister, but they turned me down! Can you believe it?" [**4**]

"I get the feeling that you're more at fault for the schism between sisters than you're telling me, but is the Service Club obligated to accept all requests in the first place?" Yukari took another sip of tea, then refilled her mug.

"Well, no. They're not strictly required to take on all requests, especially the more unreasonable ones. But still, how could Hachiman refuse his pretty onee-san senpai? The nerve of some people!" It was said mostly in jest, but this only served as further evidence of Yukari's initial hypothesis that Haruno wanted to build a better relationship with Hachi-chan, though to what extent was still unclear.

"So despite being part of a club, he doesn't feel he truly belongs, does he? Why doesn't he just leave, if he's so miserable there?" _Humans can be absolutely baffling sometimes._

"Regardless of what he says, those two club mates of his are probably the closest things to friends in his life." _And at least one of them wants to be more than 'just friends'._

"And yet, he deserted them. Ran away. Probably let them down and made them cry in doing so."

Haruno sighed. "Deep down, he still feels he isn't someone worthy of their friendship and realizes that pushing them away won't work forever." _My poor little sister…_

"That reminds me; earlier, you mentioned his younger sister, Komachi, as being the only person he trusts. Does the same hold true for his parents?"

"I doubt it; from what I know, his parents are rarely home, so it's just the two siblings looking out for each other most of the time. That might explain the strong bond they share."

"Though even that wasn't enough to prevent him from running away this time," quipped Yukari. "Something really bad must have happened then."

"Like I said earlier, I haven't the foggiest idea, so if he's not willing to tell you himself…"

"I know, I know. I'll give him time and personal space; if he opens up, great! If not, I hope that he can least be useful around the house. I don't plan on letting him crash there without getting _something_ in return, you know."

Haruno chuckled. "You're in luck, then. He's a decent cook, so long as you're OK with eating curry often, and he cleans up nicely around the house. Sort of expected, when he has to be the responsible older sibling in his household."

"You make it sound like he's a housewife or something."

"He has mentioned his future dream is to be a househusband on several occasions. Though that requires him to find a suitable wife, which given his personality, might be a taller hurdle than expected."

"Are you serious?"

"Completely."

"…Wow. Maybe I should hook up with him after all. Meals and cleaning while I laze around all day? That's a pretty good deal-"

"Yukari!" shouted Haruno. "I thought you said you weren't interested in him like that!"

"Kidding! Geez, Haruno, you almost sounded like an overprotective sister for a moment." Yukari grinned. "Or, are you perhaps jealous? Worried that I'll take advantage of your precious kouhai while he lives and sleeps under the same roof as me?"

Haruno said nothing, instead taking out her smartphone and began to dial.

"OK, OK! Can't you take a joke?" Giving Haruno a moment to calm down, Yukari spoke again. "Besides, we didn't exactly get off on the right foot. I…kind of goaded him into returning home, since I felt he wouldn't be able to fit in, what with the new culture and everything all at once."

"…And?"

"And he blew up at me; at least I can confirm he has some semblance of a spine. Claimed he saw right through my plan, that he wasn't going to take the bait," remembered Yukari. "I would say I'm impressed, but he was only partially correct, so I can't award him full points for that."

"Sounds just like the first time I met him. I tried to tease him, get him all flustered like every other adolescent boy, but he just stared at me and didn't react like I thought he would."

"Is that when you started taking an interest in him?"

"Like you said, you and I are more similar than we think."

"So, now what? Are you going to ask to accompany me back home to torme-, I mean visit Hachi-chan?"

"I'll pass this time. I'm probably one of the last faces he wants to see right now. But, can I ask for a small favor from you, Yukari?"

"If this is a request, please make it through the proper Service Club channels," deadpanned Yukari.

"Very funny. Please stop by every once in a while to let me know how Hachiman is doing. That way, I can at least pass of the news, good or bad, to those who are genuinely worried about him. Is that alright with you? I don't know what your schedule is like, so hopefully you can squeeze this in occasionally." Haruno hated asking others for favors, preferring to be the one owed favors, but she had no way of getting in touch with Hachiman otherwise. His phone seemed to be turned off, if not out of range or out of battery.

Yukari thought for a brief moment, before plastering an uncanny smile on her face. "OK, but on one condition."

"Name it." _Please don't be something absurd like taking my firstborn as payment._

"Next time I visit, please prepare some high quality alcoholic drinks. Tea is nice, but spirits should consume spirits."

Haruno didn't quite get the meaning of the second part, but her disposable income level was high enough that she had no problem with the stipulation. "Deal. And next time, a heads up would be appreciated, Yukari."

"I should be going now; my…daughter is preparing dinner and waiting for me."

"Goodbye, Yukari. Take care."

"You too, Haruno. Oh, could you turn around for a moment, I have a surprise for you."

"Really? You choose to bring out your gift _now_ as you're leaving? Fine, I'll humor you." Haruno swiveled 180 degrees until her back was to Yukari.

A few seconds passed.

Then a few more.

Then even more time passed.

Haruno was quickly losing her patience. "Yukari, what is taking so lon-" As she turned back around to face her guest, an empty seat across the table where Yukari was sitting was all that Haruno saw.

She blinked several times.

"She really is someone who comes and goes as she pleases, isn't she?"

* * *

**Author's Notes:**

[**1**] Veteran voice actress Kikuko Inoue has made this a running gag throughout her lengthy career. As of 2019, she is 55 years old. For comparison, Yakumo Yukari is canonically at least 1,200 years old, er, young. This first story was uploaded on Kikuko's birthday by complete coincidence, I swear.

[**2**] Literally, since the population of Chiba City (not to be confused with Chiba Prefecture) in 2019 was just under 1,000,000 people.

[**3**] Ironically, 'escaping reality' is 10000000% on the nose, since 'Gensoukyou' literally means 'Land of Fantasy'.

[**4**] Occurs in Volume 6.5 of the OreGaIru light novel. Actually, Hikigaya tells Haruno to stop being so nosy and to let things naturally play out, but this is a passive method, which Haruno would not be pleased with.

As Yukari is canonically (in Touhou) one of the very few residents who can freely move between Gensoukyou and the Outside World (Our Reality), there are opportunities for future installments of this Side Story series, as long as Yakumo Yukari is not suddenly erased from the story by some BS HAX abilities.

Or if the original author, Alxariam, is not horrified at the desecration by association.

Or if the author of this story is not suddenly [**GAPPED**]


	2. Those Terrifying Eyes Nobody Loves

This is another side story to Monster of Logic by Alxariam. She has granted approval to an unpopular writer like me to invoke her story.

This snippet takes place after chapter 4 of her story, though it may not line up with future MoL canon, depending on how MoL develops.

* * *

Original Blurb: What good is the ability to read minds when your target frequently accidentally monologues out loud anyways?

* * *

**Side Story 2 — Those Terrifying Eyes Nobody Loves**

* * *

I looked around and scratched my head. Where _was_ I?

Presumably still in Gensokyo, but unlike the Outside World, as Yukari had called it, I had yet to get my hands on a reliable map detailing every notable location. That, and I was pretty sure Google Maps didn't include maps for fantasy worlds. [**1**]

However, it would not be fair to say that I was lost.

No, I had merely been displaced by a powerful youkai who seemed to have nothing better to do than to mess with me. The parallels to a powerful human were so strong that I almost suspected them to be two halves of the same person. [**2**]

In our last one-sided conversation (with the youkai, not the human), Yukari had decided to tease me about my relationship with her familiar, Ran. Of course, there was no such thing; Ran was simply my mentor, caretaker, and critic, nothing more.

Well, OK, there was also the Chen-centric (Chentric?) rivalry about how to best raise her, but whether that was as a daughter, younger sister, or a pet was muddled, to say the least. It wasn't like I was intentionally filling her head with unapproved philosophies ('idiocy', as Ran put it); I was simply speaking my mind and Chen happened to be an impressionable bundle of curiosity.

Hopefully, curiosity wouldn't kill the cat, nor the Hikigaya.

* * *

_Flashback Begins_

"Yukari, I get that you love nothing more than to gossip like a far younger schoolgirl, but could you not? I haven't been getting any sleep recently, and though I don't seem to require it, you're really not helping lessen my irritation."

"The nerve, Hachi-chan! Yukarin~ is eternally seventeen years old, I'll have you know!" [**3**]

"Like I'd believe that," I replied dismissively. "You're probably like Tsunade, using some magic spell to preserve your appearance, you old hag." [**4**]

Yukari's left eye twitched. _Ah, so she's just like Hiratsuka-sensei in that regard._ "It would be so easy just to use my portals and end your miserably brief life, but you'd probably welcome that at this point, wouldn't you, Hachi-chan?"

"But you would still be older than me."

"Go to hell," she sneered.

"Some would consider existing to be a living hell already," I countered. Anyone else might have cowered in this scenario, but I had already stared certain ruin in the face multiple times, prepared to sacrifice myself if it meant some sort of freedom could be won.

Satisfied with myself and having got the Last Word IN, I left the unexpectedly speechless Yukari and returned to my room for some non-sleep shut eye. [**5**]

I hadn't expected to wake up in yet another unfamiliar place.

_Flashback Ends_

* * *

Looking around the dimly lit corridor, I wondered if Yukari had killed me in my non-sleep. The tip of her fingers decides whether I live or die, after all. I wouldn't put it past her to retaliate in such a disproportionate manner, given how sensitive she seemed to be about her real age and how petty she can be.

If I died in Gensokyo, would anyone really notice, let alone mourn my passing? It wasn't like I had forged particularly strong bonds in the short time I've been here. Chen might forget about me in time, Ran would be glad to be free of a burden, and Suika would eventually find another drinking buddy.

_No, that isn't fair to assume they don't acknowledge, if not appreciate my continued existence. I've made that mistake too many times with the Service Club members, always rejecting the notion that they saw me as a valued member, an important friend, and, inexplicably, possibly something more than that._

In any case, I was now in an unknown location, presumed to be part of Gensokyo, with no clue as what to do or where I should go next.

Everyone has their own methods for determining whether or not they are dreaming, from pinching oneself to carrying a special totem. [**6**]

For obvious reasons, far fewer legitimate studies have been done on how to determine if oneself is truly dead. The scientific method had no time to spend on testing the metaphysical concept of souls, both immaterial and immeasurable.

"Don't worry, you are not dead yet, as far as I can tell," spoke a female voice, causing me to spin around in confusion.

_Yet? Does that mean my end is nearing?_

"You misunderstand; I was simply indicating that as a mortal being, death is inevitable, but as your soul has yet to be harvested, you would still be considered alive," replied the mysterious voice, despite me not having verbalized a single word out loud since hearing her.

My eyes finally found a point to focus on; a young girl, maybe even of elementary school age, was the likely source. Beyond her short purple hair, purple eyes, and her blue and pink outfit, the most striking thing about her was the odd red sash she wore. It seemed to loosely encircle her body, the strings all connecting back to an opened-eye decoration. [**7**]

Having seen a lot of strange things lately, I wouldn't be too surprised if she were over 1000 years old and had the power to read minds.

"I won't comment on my age, but yes, as you have guessed, I possess the ability to read the minds of people within a certain range."

"I'd say I'm skeptical, but I know some girls who are scarily accurate sometimes, despite their claims of being completely human." _Guess there's no point in hiding my thoughts anymore, might as well say what's on my mind_. "Hikigaya Hachiman, human, possibly slowly turning into a human-youkai hybrid. Maybe." I've already rejected the need for sleep, maybe it won't be much longer before I reject my humanity like a certain megalomaniac vampiric adopted son. [**8**]

"Komeiji Satori. I am the Mistress of the Palace of the Earth Spirits."

"'Spirits'? So I really am in Hell then?"

"Well, yes, but actually no. This place used to be called 'Hell', but after it was relocated due to overpopulation, we were renamed 'Former Hell'."

It took my entire being to resist blurting out 'What the Hell?'

"You wouldn't be the first to make that joke, Hikigaya." _Oh, right. Mind reader._ "Despite your dead-fish eyes, it does not appear that Orin brought you here with the other corpses. Are you here to investigate like the previous visitors from above ground?" [**9**]

Shaking my head, I said, "If I had to guess, Yukari dropped me off here, possibly to teach me an important life lesson or force me to explore more of Gensokyo. That or she's just super petty and wanted revenge. I can never really tell what she's thinking."

"'Yukari', huh? I vaguely recall someone with that name assisting one of the aforementioned visitors, though I didn't get a chance to meet her in person." _The shrine maiden was being ordered by someone to fight me at the time. Maybe it's the same individual._ "Why don't we take a walk, all three of us?" [**10**]

"Huh?" I may be bad at math, but I'm certain there's only two of us here right now. I did a quick 360 scan, but saw no other vaguely person-shaped beings in the vicinity.

"Koishi! That's enough hiding!" barked Satori. "Come out and introduce yourself."

Before my very eyes, another young (?) girl slowly materialized out of thin air directly in front of me. Wavy green hair and green eyes, yellow/green outfit, wide-brimmed hat, and a purple decoration similar to Satori's, although closed instead. "Twins?" I guessed.

"Younger sister. No, I won't tell you the age difference." We began walking slowly; towards where, I could not say.

"So she can read minds as well, then?" Koishi had yet to utter a sound, I noted.

"Not anymore. You can see how her 'Third Eye' is closed, unlike mine, right? She couldn't accept the fear and mistrust directed towards our kind because of our ability, so she shut herself down, but at the same time, gradually lost the ability entirely."

"Losing an incredible skill in exchange for peace of mind doesn't seem so bad," I commented.

"In only that were all, Hikigaya. As it turns out, her own consciousness also began to disappear, erasing her very existence from nearly everyone's point of view."

_Hoh. So it's similar to my [Stealth Hikki], but without an off switch._

"'Stealth Hikki'?" Satori inquired, tilting her head.

"It's something of a specialty of mine, the ability to blend in so well that everyone ignores me. I don't really enjoy social settings that much, so it gets me out of a lot of otherwise awkward situations," I explained.

"Are humans not social creatures by nature?"

"Not all of us, and definitely not me," I claimed.

"I don't know about that, Hikigaya. This 'Service Club' of yours seems to disprove your assertion."

"Hey! Don't just go reading my innermost thoughts without my permission!"

"Apologies, but I felt that since it was the first time in our conversation that there was a disconnect between what you said and what you actually felt, I had to point it out."

I dragged a hand over my face. "God, dealing with mind readers is a headache for both sides, isn't it? I'm really starting to empathize with your sister a bit more." I had another thought, which I'm sure Satori already knew, but went ahead and asked anyway. "Satori, can I ask you something personal, about your sister, Koishi, I mean?"

"Go ahead, I already have a good idea of where this is going though."

I sighed. "How do you carefully deal with someone who doesn't want to put the effort into the bare minimum required to exist?" It was an oddly phrased question, but as I was talking to a resident of 'Former Hell', I wasn't sure using the term 'living' was appropriate here.

"Rest assured, me and my sister are not Spirits ourselves. As for Koishi, I try to give her a reason to continue existing, starting small with taking care of a few of our many pets."

"Really?" I had a common topic now. Turning to Koishi, who still hadn't so much as waved at me, I asked her, "What kinds of pets do you own, Koishi?"

That she was a certified imouto that triggered my onii-chan instincts was what prompted my initial question; something Satori noted with a hint of apprehension.

No response from Koishi; I had to step it up to the next level. Bending my knees until I was in a squatting position, I looked up at Koishi, whose hat was still angled downwards, obscuring her upper face from view. "Back home, onii-chan owns a pet cat named Kamakura. He's lazy like most cats, and sometimes I feel like he's the one in control, like _I'm_ the pet and _he's_ the owner."

Still nothing out of her. Had my self-deprecation joke missed the mark?

"Hee. Hee hee. Hee hee hee. You're funny, onii-san." Upon seeing her giggle, my heart swelled three sizes that day.

Satori looked like she couldn't believe what she was seeing. "I can't recall the last time she laughed like this. Even her smiling is a rare occurence."

Don't underestimate my onii-chan power! I've done this countless times to cheer up Komachi, even at the cost of my own dignity. Not once have I ever considered the price paid too high. Nothing is more important than seeing my precious imouto smile brightly.

"I see now," concluded Satori, closing all three of her eyes. "You are a hopeless sis-con, plain and simple."

I groaned. "Why does everyone always say that?" I'm not even in Chiba anymore and that negative label still finds a way to follow me here!

"Don't take it the wrong way, Hikigaya. In that respect, you and I could be considered kindred spirits. I, too, constantly worry about my younger sister, who can literally vanish at any moment, with no way of knowing where she'll end up. Such as right now." She was right; looking around, Koishi had disappeared again, as if she was never here. "You and her are also similar; shutting yourselves off from everyone else to avoid being hated, but running away from the truth isn't a form of happiness. It's a pleasant lie you tell yourself over and over again."

"Don't act like you know everything about me just because you can literally read my mind. I've lived as a loner my entire life, at first because society ostracized me, then by choice as a pre-emptive measure. If I don't open my heart to anybody, then I can't be hurt. And if I can't be hurt, who are you to decide whether I'm truly content or not?"

"You know as well as I do, Hikigaya, that not being unhappy is not necessarily the same as being happy." She jabbed a finger in my direction. "For all your disdain of the masses, where did that get you? Forced into a club with someone who you may or may not have feelings for, all the while continuing your self-sacrificial destructive behavior, much to the displeasure of those around you. You're not heartless; you just pretend to be."

"What are you saying? You think that pithy summary is going to get me to open my dead-fish eyes and say, 'Gee, I should just choose to be happier!' and all my problems will go away?" I could feel myself getting more and more agitated, not at all helped by Yukari's earlier tomfoolerly. Worst case, the 'vicious cycle' of losing control of my abilities would end in catastrophe. _Wonderful._ Nevertheless, I had had enough of being lectured by some complete stranger! "Everyone is so great at giving advice, but few ever stop to ask themselves if I wanted any advice in the first place!"

"No one said it was going to be easy or painless!" screamed Satori. "But at least you have people who care enough about you to stick with you, in spite of your self-erected barriers!" She began sobbing. "Unlike me and Koishi, 'blessed' with this ability which has driven everyone else away. No one likes having their privacy invaded, be it physical or mental. Do you know how much I've wanted a real friend?! One who isn't terrified of my ability?! One who doesn't have to feel like I'm always prying into them?!"

_Goddamn it, you've done it again, Hikigaya Hachiman. Bravo. Pushing people away on reaction. Here is someone who can literally understand what you're thinking, and you go and blow up at her. She's been telling me things that I __need__ to hear, not what I __want__ to hear. Perhaps Satori recognized that disconnect within my subconscious._

The awkward silence continued, dotted by the occasional sob from Satori. I wanted to say something, but my stubbornness prevented me from making the first concession. I noted that her 'Third Eye' was still closed, meaning she hadn't been reading my mind for a while now.

But not every fortified wall needs to be broken through by force. There are other ways to bypass a seemingly insurmountable obstacle, if one is creative and tenacious enough.

I suddenly felt my sins crawling on my back. [**11**] _Sure, I haven't been a saint in my short time of existence, but I wasn't expecting to be judged so soon!_

Wait, these 'sins' felt more like…a child awkwardly trying to get a piggy-back ride without first notifying the hapless adult. I tried to straighten my posture, but the uneven weight distribution kept me hunched over.

Satori immediately jumped to what was, to her, at least, the obvious conclusion. "Koishi? Is that you clinging to his back? Get down from there, now!" As I couldn't actually see Koishi, lacking eyes in the back of my head, Satori may have been shouting at thin air, for all I knew.

"No!" pouted Koishi, the second time I heard her speak all day. "Not until onii-san apologizes to onee-chan for making her cry!" _Oi, oi, why does Satori get to be onee-__chan__, but I only get to be onii-__san__? You're going to make __me__ cry, Koishi!_ I suddenly felt small fists rain justice upon my head. Though not powerful enough to actually hurt, I have never been a fan of impromptu backpack whack attacks.

"Hey! Ow! Quit it! C'mon! Ah! Stop! Koishi! Cut it out!" My onii-chan settings were still active from earlier, so I didn't have it in me to forcibly toss her off of me, especially since I couldn't verify if she was even there in the first place. "Gah! Enough! OK! Fine!"

Turning towards Satori, the hail of tiny fists unceasing, I mustered up my sincerest tone and asked, "Satori, do you want to be friends?"

_Wait, that wasn't what I wanted to say!_

All of Satori's eyes blinked in unison. She wiped away a few tears from her non-Third eyes.

"You realize that you don't really get anything out of this friendship deal, right?" Was she trying to dissuade me from becoming friends with her, despite that emotional scene earlier? "I can tell you're not the kind of scum who would try to exploit my powers for personal gain or profit. Associating with my species isn't going to make you very popular, just so you know."

I shrugged. "It's not like I was very popular to begin with. Besides, we have these scary eyes that nobody can appreciate, and misery loves company, right?"

"…That was probably the worst sales pitch I have ever heard, but you can't let yourself be held back by common sense in Gensokyo, so I accept your offer, Hikigaya Hachiman." [**12**] Considering that Ran told me that 'belief is a universal requirement of any and all magic', I couldn't really argue against that.

Koishi bonked me one last time before releasing herself from my back.

"Friends?" she cautiously asked.

"Yeah. Somehow." Then I realized something else. "Um, assuming that we're not just friends in name only, how are we going to contact each other from now on? I don't exactly have control over my abilities yet, and I'm not sure how prevalent advanced technology is in Gensokyo."

"You could always ask that 'Yukari' to send you here again." _Was Satori being serious?_

"I'd rather not owe her any more favors than I already do. Heaven knows what kind of things she'll expect from me when the time comes."

"Leave it to me, onee-chan! If either one of us wants to see onii-san, I'll just go above ground and retrieve him!" _What am I, another one of your pets now?_

Also, when was Yukari coming back for me? Was I going to have to rely on Koishi to take me back?

My one-way (?) trip to Hell was unusual, as I expected.

* * *

**Author's Notes:**

[**1**] Google Maps actually created a partial map of Middle-Earth to promote one of the Hobbit films.

[**2**] There is a common fan theory that Yakumo Yukari and Maribel Hearn are the same person. ZUN, the creator of the Touhou Project series, has only cryptically teased fans as to whether or not there is any truth to this rumor.

[**3**] Same as the first story, a reference to Kikuko Inoue.

[**4**] Character from Naruto. Presumably uses a Transformation Technique to alter her appearance to fit whatever the situation calls for.

[**5**] In the 8th integer-numbered Touhou game, Imperishable Night, 'Last Word' spellcards are some of the most difficult bullet hell patterns in the game to survive. Yukari's Last Word is literally the last one to be unlocked, as it requires unlocking all of the other Last Word spells beforehand.

[**6**] From the movie Inception, though the totem only tells you if you are in _your_ dream/reality or _someone else's_ dream. It does not discern between your _dream_ and your _reality_.

[**7**] A Japanese kanji/katakana visual pun that is untranslatable into English. Satori (さとり) = Satori (悟り) = Fifth Grade Elementary School Loli (小五口リ)

[**8**] You thought it was going to be an explanation, but it was me, Dio!

[**9**] The plot of the 11th integer-numbered Touhou game, Subterranean Animism. I have to specify 'integer' because there have been official spin-offs with non-integer numbering. (ie 7.5, 10.5, 12.3)

[**10**] In Subterranean Animism, the playable heroines can select a partner to act as mission control. Yukari and Suika are both possible choices for Hakurei Reimu, the shrine maiden. The selected partner also affects the player character's shots and effects.

[**11**] Undertale quote from when you fight Sans. Coincidentally, also an indie game with an underground setting.

[**12**] From Subterranean Animism Extra Stage. The midboss, Sanae, another shrine maiden, says this just before you fight her. Koishi is the actual boss of this stage.

The title of this story comes from Stage 4 of Subterranean Animism, where the boss is Satori. It refers to the Third Eye that grants Satori and Koishi the ability to read minds. However, it also perfectly describes Hikigaya Hachiman's eyes and his isolation caused in part by his physical appearance. Ironically, it seems he wasn't born with 'rotten eyes', if the drama CD is considered canon.


	3. Thanks, Kappa

This is another side story to Monster of Logic by Alxariam. She has granted approval to an unpopular writer like me to invoke her story.

This snippet takes place after chapter 4 of her story, though it may not line up with future MoL canon, depending on how MoL develops.

* * *

Original Blurb: Hikigaya Hachiman, like most of his human peers, owns a smartphone. Problem is, if he wants to get it fixed, he's going to have to explore No Man's Land some more.

* * *

**Side Story 3 — Thanks, Kappa**

* * *

After another exhausting lesson from Ran on how to control my power, I returned to my quarters and collapsed onto the futon. I wasn't physically drained, but more so mentally emptied. It was getting slightly easier to keep up with her explanations, but putting it into practice still took more effort and concentration than I had ever expended.

Wanting to kill time with something a bit less thought-intensive, I took out my smartphone, hoping to read the latest chapter in the hit web novel series, I Was Targeted By Truck-kun, But Through a Stroke of Good Fortune, I Narrowly Avoided Death and Being Isekai'd, So For Disrupting the Natural Order, I Have to Fend Off Multiple 'Accidents' Waiting to Happen. [**1**]

Oh, right. My phone battery died the day I arrived in Gensoukyou. And I didn't happen to have my phone charger on me. I'm not even sure Yukari's place even has any electrical sockets.

Frustrated at being denied the ability to read a piece of cultured literature, I almost contemplated throwing my phone across the room, as it was no better than an expensive paperweight at the moment.

_But I really want to know what happens in the latest chapter of ToraSaba…_

Cursing my addiction to the series, I decided to swallow my pride and ask Yukari for help. If anyone in Gensoukyou was familiar with technology from the Outside World, it would have to be her. Placing the phone in my pocket, I made my way to the living room, where I would surely find her napping comfortably, without a care in the world.

Besides, what's the worst that could possibly happen? She tells me, 'No, can't help you, sorry, not sorry'? That just puts me back at square one. I've got time to kill and no dignity left to lose.

* * *

"Hachi-chan, under normal circumstances, I would kill you for interrupting my afternoon nap."

"I get the feeling you would use any reason, no matter how irrational or unrelated, to justify my death," I responded. Unlike my banter with Yukinoshita, Yukari's words were always tinged with more than just a hint of serious danger. I held no illusions that my life could end at any moment, not unlike a henchman working for the Joker. [**2**]

She grinned. "Buuuuuuuut, if I went around 'removing' anyone who got on my nerves, the world would be a very lonely place, and then who would I tease?"

I maintained my poker face. "Just get to the point, Yukari. Are you gonna help me or not?" I hated playing these mind games with her; I was usually on the losing side very early on, her dragging it out just to lord it over me.

"Well, there are a few ways I could go about this, Hachi-chan. One, I could simply open a portal and nab the 'charger' from the Outside World, but then you'd owe me one. Right now, the running tally stands at twenty-seven favors owed. Just letting you know, when I come to collect on them, it won't be for some piddly task."

I honestly didn't know why she bothered keeping track; with my abilities paling in comparison to hers, there wasn't anything I could conceivably achieve that Yukari couldn't, at a fraction of the effort at that. Unless she was planning on making me her familiar, but surely, a human, vulnerable and susceptible to mortal causes, would be a poor choice, wouldn't it?

"What are my other choices?" I decided to avoid making a decision until I had at least heard the other possibilities.

Holding up a second finger, she continued. "Two, I could take your phone to an acquaintance of mine [**3**], maybe he could shed some light on it. However, his understanding of the Outside World isn't very accurate, so I doubt he would be of much help, now that I think about it."

I realized that since coming to Gensoukyou, most of the interactions I've had were with female youkai. Granted, there were the few guards in the Human Village who turned me away, but it's not like I had the chance to ask them about life here.

"Three, if you head to the base of Youkai Mountain, you might be able to encounter the Kappa there."

"Kappa? You mean the youkai who live underwater and love cucumbers? How could they possibly help me out?"

"Unlike your preconceived notions, the Kappa in Gensoukyou are very technologically advanced. But the chances of meeting them are slim, since they tend to shy away from interacting with humans."

I pondered the choices for a few minutes, weighing the pros and cons of each one. For (A), the method would be the quickest, but I would owe Yukari another favor. For (B), I was not guaranteed a positive outcome, but would still owe her a favor of sorts. It looked like (C) was the option for me to go with.

"I guess I'll try my luck with the Kappa, then. Do you have a general map I can use as a reference?"

Taking out a scroll, Yukari quickly scribbled some lines on it before handing it to me.

I was…not impressed. I've seen five-year olds with better art sense than…whatever this was supposed to be. A giant mountain with an arrow pointing to 'Untrodden Valley', a dotted path from what appeared to be Yukari's home all the way to said arrow, no map scale, no indication of which direction was North and South, no other marked locations of interest or help, all-in-all, 2/10 map, would not recommend.

"Oh, and one more thing, Hachi-chan. Try to keep your expectations low." I didn't bother asking her what she meant by that, as I was already heading out the door.

* * *

Several hours later, I finally reached a place that faintly resembled what Yukari had described. I would have arrived sooner, but Yukari's home was a nightmare labyrinth to get out of. [**4**] Taking a moment to admire the beautiful waterfall flowing into the river, I patted my pocket to make sure my smartphone hadn't fallen out during the long trek, as that would negate the entire point of this journey.

Looking around, I didn't see any creatures resembling the folklore descriptions. However, I knew better than to expect a grotesque caricature, if Suika (oni) and Ran (kitsune) were precedents to go by. Hopefully, this kappa would be a cute little-sister type to temporarily fill the Komachi-shaped hole in my life.

"What is a human doing here?" An unfamiliar female voice interrupted my thoughts. It seems that's been happening a lot recently. "If you're looking for the Moriya Ropeway, you're a bit off." [**5**]

Shoulder-length black hair, raised sandals, black wings, large fan. "Let me guess, you're a tengu?"

She snapped her fingers and winked at me, apparently confirming my guess. "Shameimaru Aya, Bunbunmaru Shinbun reporter!" She took out a red notebook, then asked me, "So, what are you going to pray for when you reach the shrine? Fortune? Marriage? Health?"

"Whoa, slow down there. I'm not sure what you're even talking about."

"'Slow down' he says. Apparently, you don't know about my title as 'the fastest in Gensoukyou'!" Well, yeah, I literally met you just now and have never heard of you.

"Whatever. I didn't come here to pray; in fact, I didn't even know there _was_ a shrine here to begin with."

"Hmm…you don't look all that strong," she commented. "I doubt you're here to challenge us Tengu for control of the mountain, but even the Kappa would be more than you could handle." She jotted down a few notes. "Then what are you here for, if not lost?"

Sighing, I took my phone out of my pocket and held it up for her to see. "I was told that the Kappa here might be able to help me fix this. However, I was given less-than-complete information on how I would go about getting in contact with these Kappa individuals, so I guess I'm just waiting until one of them shows up or something."

"I see. 'Human…stalking…Kappa. Using…technology…bait. Kidnapping…cook…alive.' Perfect!"

"Hold on, what the hell was that? 'Stalking'? 'Kidnapping'? I didn't mention any of that! What kind of honest reporter makes things up? Where's your integrity?" I expected this sort of nonsense from Yukinoshita's barbs, but that was strictly limited to within the club activities and not a publication seen by who knows how many people.

"Oh, I simply took what you told me and extrapolated those facts and came to the most likely conclusion! What, are you going to hit me with some absolute nonsense like, 'I fell in love with a Kappa at first sight, so I'm really just using this as an excuse to see her again'?"

_Where did that come from?_ "Of course not! I really did just come here to get my phone fixed!"

A sudden splash was heard from the lake, a monster surfacing? "Did someone say they needed something fixed?"

"Nitori!" shouted Aya. "It's rude to listen in on my interview!" Wait, that was supposed to be an interview? You making stuff up about my motives for coming here? You didn't even ask for my name or anything!

I turned to get a better look at the newcomer named Nitori.

_Not bad. Blue twintails, heck, blue everything, a gigantic backpack larger than her being, very cute! Excellent imouto material!_

My fantasies of treating her as my imouto (temp.) were cut short by the next words out of her mouth.

"Why don't you make like an unwanted nuisance and leave?" No! Don't shatter my imouto illusions just like that! "I can't believe anyone takes those articles of yours seriously," she remarked, shaking her head. I noted that despite emerging from the water, her clothes showed no sign of wetness, a truly astonishing feat. Perhaps her genius was not overstated after all.

Aya held her fan up to her mouth, hiding her smirk. "Are you challenging me, foolish Kappa? Need I remind you that I have bested you in our last five encounters? I will not hesitate to increase that count to six if you continue to address me in a rude manner."

"Urk! T-this is Kappa territory to begin with! You're trespassing! Besides, the human here clearly stated he has business with me, so go find some other gossip to print in your trashy tabloid!" Goddamn, this is gap moe at its most unpleasant extreme.

Suddenly, I could feel the elements begin to move. On Aya's side, the swirling of leaves gradually became a violent breeze, while Nitori seemed to have conjured up whirlpool towers.

I definitely didn't want to be caught in the middle of such a fight. Holding my arms up to the sides, I motioned for both parties to wait. "Could the two of you not fight here? Nitori, was it? Here is my phone; could you take a look at it and find a way to get it working again?"

Turning to the Tengu, "Aya, why don't we continue our interview while Nitori is busy? There's no need to get heated over something so trivial as a human." I felt like this had turned into an impromptu love triangle; only instead of 'love', it was merely 'attention'.

At least they weren't yanderes.

A tense minute later, the wind died down and the water harmlessly receded. I let out a much needed sigh. Nitori held out her hand, so I placed my smartphone in her palm. She then held out her other hand, leaving me confused. What else did she want from me?

"Payment," she explained. "You don't think I'm going to do this pro bono, do you?"

_Actually, I was kind of hoping that, yes, you would be willing to fix my phone for free._ If I had said that out loud, I would probably be drowned alive on the spot. Rummaging around in my pockets, I fished out what little change I had on me. I had been keeping it for my next can of MAX coffee, but I doubted I'd find a store that stocked it here.

"Um, it's not much, but this is all I have on me right now." That sounded like I was being shaken down by a yakuza in a dark alley. Except these girls were far worse.

Nitori counted the loose change in her hand, making a disgusted face, no doubt feeling insulted at how little I valued her work. "573 yen? That's all? You're trying to buy my services and you don't even bother preparing the money beforehand?"

_Hey, it's not like I expected this ridiculous chain of events to unfold as they have either._

"I guess you'll just have to make up the difference with your body."

What? Was my chastity in danger? I instinctively crossed my arms across my chest, turning my body sideways in a very unmanly manner.

Aya simply chuckled at my discomfort. "That's not what she meant, you know."

"Really? Then what, something like manual labor?" Now that, I could probably handle. Isshiki had put me through lots of forced training already, so I was sort of used to it.

I heard the snapping of rubber gloves being worn. Wait, why would she need-

"I'll be taking your shirikodama as payment instead, human." [**6**]

My hands immediately flew behind my back. _Oh god, is this how I die? Getting fisted and having my soul devoured by a loli?_

Wait, hold on. "If you take my shirikodama, wouldn't that kill me?"

"Usually, yes," replied Nitori, clearly having done this procedure many times before.

"Then what would be the point of asking you to fix my smartphone for me?"

"Hmm…I guess if you die, then I can keep the item all to myself!" Truly, she's a monster. Noticing my wariness, she added, "I'm just messing with you! We Kappa don't need shirikodama as much these days; we try to make up for mineral deficiencies in other more peaceful ways." [**7**] I noted that the key words there were 'as much', which further widened the gap moe.

"However, if you fail to properly reimburse me for my time, I'm going to make you regret it, **human**." I gulped; my little sister archetype character can't be this messed up!

All throughout my interactions with Nitori, I was getting the sense that she saw humans in a negative light, but asking her directly might trigger some unpleasant memories, which would only delay the fixing of my phone.

"I'll just be over here, so let me know when you're done, OK?" I watched as she removed several tools and gadgets from her oversized backpack, marveling at the seemingly-unlimited storage space. If I had access to Yukinoshita levels of capital, I'd setup a factory in Chiba right away, making billions off of just one invention.

"Looks like you're not from around here, are you?"

"What makes you say that? You're not wrong, though," I admitted.

"For one, you didn't even know there was a shrine here. Also, most humans don't exactly own something as fancy as your phone." She had some valid points there. "But the strongest piece of evidence is that you never heard of I, the Great Shameimaru!"

"More like the 'Great Shameless-maru'!" retorted Nitori. For her troubles, Aya simply waved her fan in the Kappa's direction, kicking up moderate-sized waves and knocking Nitori off-balance.

"Ayayayaya…I'll have you know it's not proper to butt into our conversation, Nitori. Next time, I'll blow you away."

"Tch. Don't act so high and mighty, you crow tengu," sneered Nitori. "Just because you can't get promoted doesn't mean you should go around bullying us weaker youkai."

Aya seemed to want to respond to that accusation, but the words died in her throat.

Oi, oi, forget about getting my phone fixed, am I going to get out of this alive?

"Geez, what's her problem? Does she have a shirikodama up her ass as well?"

"Nitori wasn't always like that." It was stated as a matter of fact; no wistfulness longing for days past.

"Could've fooled me. Let me guess; Kappa and humans used to live in harmony until one day, something went horribly wrong, leading to mutual mistrust on both sides. I've seen this story play out many times before; history seems doomed to repeat itself endlessly." If this were some cliché feel-good drama, we'd get a resolution where both sides make up and everyone lives happily ever after.

"If not for the money and sustenance, she'd probably never bother with humans in the first place."

"Then I hope I never have to make use of her technological prowess again," I quipped. "Damn, I probably jinxed myself just now, didn't I?"

"I'm pretty sure your existence was cursed before you were even born, Hikigaya Hachiman."

_Wait, how did she-_

"I'm a reporter; I make it my duty to know what I'm talking about, even if it doesn't reflect in the printed copies. I see it in your eyes; 'Where did she get this information?'" _Are all girls in the known universe mind-readers? I demand a balance patch!_ "Let's just say 'a little birdie' told me."

Ah, she's probably referring to that food stand cutie. What was her name again? Misty? Speaking of which, I really should have grabbed a rice ball or something before I left Yukari's.

"Also, Suika told me bit about you while we were out drinking last time." [**8**] Great, here it comes. "'Youth is a lie!' 'I hate nice girls!' You're so bitter, I should just call you 'Medicine Melancholy'. [**9**] But I guess we all have some resentment inside of us that we just can't seem to let go of."

I recalled Nitori's biting remark from earlier. "Is that why your articles tend to be less-than-factual? You're seeking recognition, even at the cost of your integrity?"

She waved her fan-free hand rapidly. "Oh, no, no, no. All Tengu like spreading rumors and half-truths; it's hardly unique to me alone. But since I can't break out of the highly structured caste system anyways, it's not like I lose much whether I report the truth or not."

I can't believe I was about to feel sorry for you, Aya. Give me back my empathy!

"Finished!" That was Nitori's voice! That hadn't been long at all!

Gee, Aya, as much as I'd love to continue our chat (read: absolutely not at all), I think our business here is concluded. Print whatever you want about me; it's not like the humans in the village were on my side to begin with.

Nitori was excited as she handed my phone back to me. "-and the battery can now be recharged by magic or sacrificing spirits, the camera has been upgraded, and I also made it waterproof to 800m!" Wait, 'sacrificing spirits'? Never mind, I didn't want to know why such a twisted function was added.

Turning on my phone, I quickly verified that its basic functions worked as intended. I thought about taking a photo of both girls to commemorate meeting them for the first time, but ultimately decided against it, not wanting to give Yukari any more teasing ammunition.

"Everything seems to check out. You've been a great help, Nitori." I turned and waved goodbye to the duo. Suddenly, Nitori used one of her mechanical arms to grab my sleeve, while another robotic arm handed me a folded piece of paper.

"What's this?" I asked her.

"It's the remaining balance you owe." Fuck, guess I'll have to find some kind of part-time work while I'm stuck here, then. At least my phone is in working condition again. I can't wait to see what happens in-

[**No Signal Found**]

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF-

* * *

**Author's Notes:**

[**1**] I'm _pretty sure_ this isn't a real title of any official piece of literature (read: trash). Its portmanteau name would probably be ToraSaba (Truck Survivor,トラサバ). But given how bloodthirsty Truck-kun can be, it's a fairly believable premise for a light/web novel, isn't it?

[**2**] Archnemesis of Batman. Joker is well-documented as being completely psychotic and unpredictable, even towards those under his employ.

[**3**] Morichika Rinnosuke is one of the few named recurring male characters in Touhou. He runs a shop, Kourindou, that specializes in Outside World knick-knacks, but frequently displays only a surface-level knowledge of said items. Yukari is one of his frequent customers, but he does not like dealing with her. He would probably get along with Hachiman based on this fact alone.

[**4**] Yukari's residence is not in Mayohiga, a common misconception. Her actual (?) home is described as 'somewhere along Gensoukyou's borders', a vague but fitting location.

[**5**] An aerial tram was constructed to allow humans direct access to the Moriya Shrine at the top of the mountain without having to deal with Kappa/Tengu.

[**6**] Shirikodama is a mythical soul orb/ball housed in the anus. Kappa are said to extract it forcefully from humans, often resulting in death. Even in the Touhou universe, this gruesome act seems to be prevalent.

[**7**] Revealed in one of the Touhou print works, Wild and Horned Hermit. Still, just because it's less frequent does not necessarily mean shirikodama are no longer extracted.

[**8**] Tengu are also known to be heavy drinkers.

[**9**] Touhou character; a living (?) doll youkai who can manipulate poison.

The title can be read in two ways: either sincerely (thanking Nitori) or ironically (using the Twitch emoticon definition of 'Kappa' indicating 'sarcasm').

In Touhou canon, Nitori started out as a typical shy blue-haired girl. That personality quickly turned into a haughty, arrogant, greedy bitch in subsequent appearances.


	4. Those Who Teach, Can't Catch A Break

This is another side story to Monster of Logic by Alxariam. She has granted approval to an unpopular writer like me to invoke her story.

This snippet takes place between chapter 5 and 6 of her story, though it may not line up with future MoL canon, depending on how MoL develops.

* * *

Original Blurb: Two schoolteachers, Hiratsuka Shizuka and Kamishirasawa Keine, walk into a bar. It doesn't matter how they got there, only where they end up.

* * *

**Side Story 4 — Those Who Teach, Can't Catch A Break**

* * *

The Eternal Christmas Cake known as Hiratsuka Shizuka was having a shitty week so far.

Not only had her date bailed on her at the last minute, citing some vague previously-undisclosed appointment, but she had been forced to attend a mandatory teachers' association conference, further worsening her mood. As expected, nothing was gained from the hours of listening to know-nothing administrators waxing about new paradigms in teaching methods.

In short, she needed a frickin' drink. Or ten.

To make matters even worse, her favorite punching ba-, er, attentive listener was MIA. No one seemed to know where he had disappeared to, and those who might have access to such information were keeping a tight lid on it. Hiratsuka definitely suspected her former student, Yukinoshita Haruno, had something to do with it, though without any evidence, confronting her would be a giant waste of everyone's time.

Well, maybe not for Haruno, given her uncanny ability to somehow find entertainment no matter who she was messing with.

Hiratsuka would never admit it out loud, but her concern for Hikigaya Hachiman extended beyond a mere teacher-student responsibility. This, too, was another reason she was hesitant to approach Haruno about the subject, lest she open herself up to further teasing and ridicule.

Shoving her hands into her ever-present lab coat's pockets, she cursed the chilly night, devoid of visible bright stars due to light pollution. Without her usual chatting companions, she was almost ready to head home and turn in early, without consuming a drop of alcohol. Weighing the options against each other, she reasoned that [drinking alone + spending unnecessary unfun funds on a teacher's salary + getting hit on by sleazy guys] was indeed a terrible way to spend the weekend.

Turning on her heels and doing a 180, Shizuka suddenly realized she wasn't in Chiba anymore, the streets before her something out of a Meiji era painting.

"Where the fuck am I?" she wondered out loud. She hadn't heard of any special festivities taking place in the area this weekend, but she also knew she wasn't buzzed to the point of hallucinating.

Shrugging her shoulders, she continued in search of an establishment that served alcohol, since she still needed a frickin' drink. She'd probably need more at this point, though.

* * *

The Half-Beast Historian known as Kamishirasawa Keine was having a bad week.

Her students had been unruly as usual, with the usual complaints about 'having to learn about boring history' day after day. Sometimes, Keine wondered if she would fare better if she taught a different subject. She quickly shook her head at the notion; teaching history was an important aspect of preserving knowledge and culture; sadly, her partial non-human background only exasperated the issue, as several parents accused her of instilling pro-youkai propaganda in their children's minds, a slap in the face of everything Keine did for the Human Village.

On top of this, her best friend, Fujiwara no Mokou, was constantly fighting to the death with her eternal rival, Houraisan Kaguya, despite the fact that both of them were cursed with immortality, making the battles little more than a particularly tiresome routine.

_Mokou (and Kaguya) really need to find a better hobby to pass their infinite time_, she thought.

Sometimes, she felt like an enabler, not doing enough to dissuade Mokou from her unceasing self-destructive behavior. She wondered if Kaguya's loyal servant, Yagokoro Eirin, also felt the same way sometimes. However, Keine noted, Eirin would have even less luck persuading Kaguya, due to their servant-mistress relationship.

In short, Keine needed a frickin' drink.

Mokou had told her that her Yakitori stand would be closed tonight, having scheduled yet another deathmatch with Kaguya, saying they could get together tomorrow night instead, giving Mokou (and Kaguya) time to heal and recover. Keine knew from witnessing their battles firsthand that it could go on for as long as neither side would back down.

Deciding that she needed sustenance to accompany the amount of alcohol she was planning on downing, she set off for the nearest izakaya, but not before remembering to bring enough money to cover her bill.

* * *

Arriving at what looked to be a pub, Hiratsuka threw open the door as she would the clubroom door, not giving a fuck about scaring the other patrons. Her scowl, more terrifying than some youkai, made it so that no one called her out on her unladylike behavior. They were probably more surprised at her unusual (for them) outfit, but quickly shrugged it off, as Outsiders did occasionally visit the Human Village, generally causing little to no incidents.

"How many tonight?" inquired the host, trying to appease the angry woman.

"One," bit out the single woman.

"Is bar seating acceptable?"

_Tch. They know there's no point in giving me a table, but whatever._ "Sure, that's fine."

"Right this way, ma'am."

Shizuka had to contain her fists, reminding herself that getting kicked out after causing a scene would likely get back to her superiors, possibly costing her not only her job, but also her chances of meeting a decent man.

* * *

It was always crowded on a weekend, so it did not surprise Keine that the only available seating was at the bar. She was a party of one tonight anyway, so it didn't affect her negatively. Upon sitting down, she noticed her neighbor's out-of-place attire.

_Ah, another Outsider, I bet. Strange coat, though; doesn't look like it offers much in the way of warmth._

Her neighbor turned to face her and stared at a spot above her head. This made Keine somewhat self-conscious. _What? Do I have horns growing out of my head? I'm pretty sure tonight isn't a full moon!_ [**1**] Her hands flew to her hair to make sure there weren't any protrusions.

"…Nice hat! How does it stay on, though?"

"V-very carefully," answered Keine. _Phew._

"Really? Looks like it'd fall off quite easily, if you ask me." Hiratsuka downed another cup of sake. "What d'hell d'ya do for a living that requires you to wear that bento box?"

Keine resisted the urge to roll her eyes. _How original, haven't heard that one before._ "I'm a schoolteacher."

Hiratsuka looked the still-human-form woman up and down. "I'd say something about your choice of clothing, but what do I know? I wear a lab coat, after all." She held out her hand. "Hiratsuka Shizuka, Modern Japanese."

Keine mimicked the motion. "Kamishirasawa Keine, History." She held her arm up, then called to the waitress nearby. "Excuse me, miss!"

"Yes, what can I help you with?"

"I'd like two orders of yakitori, pickled vegetables, an order of chilled tofu, and another bottle of sake, please."

"Understood, we'll prepare it right away." The waitress scurried off, barely having time to rest on a busy night.

Hiratsuka looked at Keine, raising an eyebrow. "So, you're a regular here, I take it?"

"First time for you, then?" countered Keine.

"Honestly, I didn't even know a place like this existed, and believe me, I've bar crawled my way through just about every izakaya and pub in town."

"…" Keine pondered over this statement, fully aware something was off about this encounter.

* * *

"…and so my bosses told me, 'Hiratsuka-sensei, you can't resort to corporal punishment! Times have changed! What if the parents of the student complain to the board?' And I replied, 'Some students only learn the hard way; the hard knocks way!' And they said, 'blah blah blah.' Honestly, I wasn't paying much attention after that."

It seems after passing a certain alcohol threshold, both teachers started opening up about their respective gripes in work, life, and everything in between.

"I completely agree with you, Hiratsuka-san! When my bratty students forget their homework, that's already a strike, but then they don't even feel remorseful! I have to headbutt them just to keep them in line! The other teachers always tell me I go too far, but I control my power enough to avoid giving the kids brain damage! I still want them to learn, after all." She downed another cup. "Ah, that's more like it!"

Scattered between the two were numerous plates and dishes, both emptied and occupied.

The night was still relatively young, a phrase Hiratsuka Shizuka desperately believed also applied to herself.

"And another thing!" She poured herself another cup of sake, emptying out the bottle. "Waitress, another sake, please!" Gulping the liquid down, she continued. "Where was I? Oh, right, what's wrong with the men I meet? Every single time I think we've made a connection, they suddenly ghost me! It's not like a blind date, where they have no idea what I look like or what I do for a living! What, have I suddenly grown a tail or devil horns? Is that what scares them away?" Because she was ranting, Shizuka didn't notice Keine cringe slightly, the question hitting just a bit too close to home for comfort. "Maybe he was right, those guys simply have no taste in women…" Her eyes went glassy for a moment, prompting Keine to ask her who 'he' was.

Shizuka suddenly got a little flustered, her blush not well-hidden, despite the alcohol in her system already. "No, it's not what you think, Kamigami-san! [**2**] He's one of my students, but somehow, talking to him, I feel he understands my struggles better than most people." She fidgeted in her chair, clearly uncomfortable about disclosing so much to a stranger, but the alcohol had already let it out into the open.

Keine gasped. "Don't tell me you're having an aff-"

Hiratsuka immediately cut Keine off. "No! Of course not! I would never cross that line!" In a smaller whisper, she added, "Besides, there's also the age gap, I'm sure he doesn't want an older…" Her voice trailed off, but the self-deprecation was understood.

"He sounds like he'll find a girl who'll appreciate him sooner or later," commented Keine.

"Hah, I doubt that," snorted Hiratsuka, downing another cup. "He's so used to being ostracized, that he embraces the loner lifestyle like no one else I've ever seen. Compound that with his dead fish eyes, and the day he finds love is the day I get married!"

_Dead fish eyes, huh? I think one of my students mentioned his dad saw a youkai with eyes like that the other day, but it's probably just a coincidence._

* * *

"AAAACHHHHHOOOOOOO!" In another bar, one Hikigaya Hachiman rubbed his nose. _Why do I feel two chills running down my spine?_

* * *

"And just when I thought he's made some friends, it seems every time I see them together, they're always bickering about this and that, like an old married couple, minus the healthy relationship." She placed a hand on her forehead. "The Loner and the Ice Princess; god, they'll be the death of each other one day."

Keine took a bite out of the yakitori skewer. _Hmm, Mokou's version is juicier than this._ "I know what you mean, Hiratsuka-san. My best friend is always fighting with an immortal princess over some centuries-old grudge. I wish they'd just stop and do something more productive with their lives."

"Productive, huh?" Hiratsuka crossed her arms against the bar, then placed her chin in her arms. "Kamisama-san, you ever think our jobs as teachers won't leave the desired impact on our students? That once they graduate, they'll forget everything we taught them, especially if their futures don't really need it?"

"I certainly hope my students don't repeat the mistakes of the past, because things here are already tense enough as is. I get the feeling that for every bit of knowledge I teach, some shadowy force teaches the opposite lesson, undoing my hard work and efforts," mulled Keine.

"What's that about, 'shadowy forces'? You make it sound like there's an active conspiracy in education. Well, I mean, there are certainly plenty of controversies about certain subjects that people aren't willing to openly discuss in a civil manner." [**3**]

_The fate of the world literally depends on this, but that's probably too heavy a subject to bring up right now._ [**4**]

They both sighed deeply. "Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I chose a different career path," admitted Hiratsuka. "But I don't regret my decision in the least." She brought her head up a little, no longer nestled in her arms. "If one lost lamb can be saved by my efforts, then I consider it all worth it."

"I wish I could see it like you do, Hiratsuka-san." Keine swirled the sake in the cup, lost in thought. "For me, I feel like my hands are tied when it comes to teaching what I believe is absolutely essential for future generations to flourish." Draining the sake, she slammed the cup down on the counter. "But those fools who have not stepped into the garden of knowledge have the gall to throw away the key and prevent those who want to enter from stepping inside! Ignorance doesn't benefit anybody!"

"**Fuck** those meddling busybodies!" chimed in Hiratsuka, shocking Keine with her coarse language. "Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach. Those who can't teach, should **fuck** **off** and leave it to those of us who care enough to do so!" By now, many of the patrons had directed attention to the pair, one clearly more intoxicated than the other.

It was time for them to leave; Keine had seen everything. She quickly called the waitress over to settle the bill, all while Hiratsuka continued to rant about 'those useless fossils'.

As soon as the bill was paid, Keine tugged on Hiratsuka's sleeve, motioning for both of them to vacate, though Hiratsuka refused to do so until all the sake had been drained to the very last drop.

* * *

As soon as Hiratsuka stumbled out of the izakaya and parted ways with Keine, she hobbled over to a wooden bench and collapsed onto it, the effects of the alcohol immediately obvious. Keine slowly approached the now unconscious human teacher; when she had confirmed that Hiratsuka was indeed out like a light, she called out:

"Come on out, Yukari. I know this is your doing."

A slight gap opened up behind Keine, Yukari peeking her head out slightly. "When did you figure it out?"

"Please don't insult my intelligence; I _live_ here, so a sudden Outsider not present in any of my recorded history is bound to trigger my suspicions," explained Keine. "Besides, most Spirited-Away humans are due to your border shenanigans in the first place, Yukari."

"Oh my, you got me there. Tee-hee!"

Keine simply facepalmed, having had this conversation with the Youkai of Boundaries one too many times before. "Why did you even bring her here in the first place? Was she just a random person plucked off the streets, lucky enough to survive the journey to Gensoukyou?"

Yukari made a mock pouting face. "How rude! I'm not always an agent of chaos, you know! It really seemed like she needed someone to talk to, to talk with, and I thought, 'Hey! I know a teacher also!', so I brought her here."

Keine's doubtful expression was as clear as day, despite it being nighttime. "Uh-huh. For such a flimsy reason? You don't actually expect me to buy that excuse, do you?" She knew it was pointless to lecture a youkai as powerful as Yukari, but the schoolteacher in her wasn't going to let this explanation fly.

"Why don't you tell me what you think my motive is, then? You're a teacher, after all; you can't just expect me to hand out all the answers right away," teased Yukari.

_Keh. I should've figured she'd turn it back on me._ "It wasn't just her that needed a sympathetic ear; I needed one, too. However, my duty as guardian of the Human Village while being part-youkai means few villagers trust me enough to spend more time around me than necessary. You must have figured that an outsider, without any preconceived notions about me and my alliances, would make for an ideal impartial listener."

"If that's what helps you sleep better at night, I'll let you believe that's correct."

"So, now what? Did you plan on leaving her to her fate here in Gensoukyou?"

Yukari placed a finger to her chin. "It did occur to me, yes, as that would mean less effort on my part. However, I feel it isn't time for _them_ to meet yet, so I'll go the extra mile this time and properly return her to her place." Yukari turned to gaze at Hiratsuka's sleeping form. "If only he knew how much she worries about him…"

"You're lucky tonight wasn't a full moon, or else I would've caved you for bringing trouble to the Human Village."

"Please, drop the act. You weren't a match for me back when you tried to hide the existence of the village, what makes you think anything has changed since then?" The rhetorical question hung in the air, both sides knowing full well the outcome of any danmaku battle between them.

"Because I have something greater than myself that I fight to protect, Yukari," declared Keine, having long ago sided with the humans.

"That's a nice sentiment. If and when the time comes to choose sides, maybe we'll see if that's enough to defeat me. Bye-bye!" Yukari scooped up Hiratsuka's body, opened a gap, and disappeared from view.

Keine let out a sigh. She _really_ disliked dealing with the Border Youkai. But more important matters demanded her attention, such as this month's remaining food budget. Damn, that Hiratsuka-san really could eat and drink a lot…

* * *

Waking up the next morning with a killer hangover, Hiratsuka Shizuka wondered just how much of the previous night was real and how much was just her imagination. She vaguely recalled meeting a new drinking buddy, Kami-something, ranting about men, students, teaching, but had no idea how she managed to get home safely.

Heck, she didn't even remember paying her share of the bill.

But the hangover was very, very real, so alcohol was definitely consumed in copious amounts last night. Reaching into her pockets, she verified that everything was still there: wallet, keys, phone, and- _What's this?_ She took out a folded piece of paper. Slowly unfolding it, she was greeted with a neatly written message:

_Hiratsuka-san,_

_ I dropped you off at your place after we left the bar. Please don't worry about the tab; I covered both of ours; my treat this time. I hope you feel better when you wake up._

_-K_

"Huh, last night wasn't so bad, I guess. Maybe I'll hit her up next time I go pub crawling." She blinked in realization. "I didn't remember to ask for her contact information. Shit. Oh, well."

Throwing open the curtains, Hiratsuka was greeted with the blinding sunlight, possibly one of the worst things a hungover person could encounter. Immediately closing the curtains, she made her decision:

"…Fuck this, I'm going back to bed."

* * *

**Author's Notes:**

[**1**] During a full moon, Keine become a hakutaku, she grows sharp horns and her hair turns green. She also loses her nice hat and her dress turns green.

[**2**] Just as there's a running joke about Hachiman being unable to remember Kawasaki's name correctly, I figured the similarly K-initialed Kamishirasawa being mispronounced could also become a running gag. Not only is it longer and more unwieldly to say, but Hiratsuka has the excuse of being drunk as well.

[**3**] Not listing any examples. Google is your friend.

[**4**] A group of humans calling themselves the 'Secret History Association' aims to exterminate all youkai in Gensoukyou, but shifting the human-youkai balance so radically could lead to Gensoukyou's total collapse. Keine became a history teacher to combat this group's influence, though its effectiveness is limited.

**/u/GSK**, am I a joke to you? /MziwoxoloMogaleFace

Hachiman-Mokou-Kaguya triangle never. Could you imagine if they started killing each other because of a love rivalry? Touhou!Kaguya Wants To Be Confessed To Spinoff?


	5. Trapped Trickster, Tricked Trap

This is another side story to Monster of Logic by Alxariam. She has granted approval to an unpopular writer like me to invoke her story.

This snippet takes place somewhere after chapter 6 of her story, though it may not line up with future MoL canon, depending on how MoL develops.

* * *

Original blurb: Yukari tasks Ran-as-Hachiman to make a trial run in Chiba to collect information. And sake. When she encounters the Prince of Tennis, will Ran be able to escape the trap?

* * *

**Side Story 5 — Trapped Trickster, Tricked Trap**

* * *

"Yukari-sama, I really do not think it is a good idea to do this without his permission."

"Don't be a worrywart, Ran! What he doesn't know won't hurt him…much." Yukari was never one for instilling confidence in her shikigami/servant, Ran. "Besides, think of this as a vacation! You've barely left the house ever since he arrived-"

"Because you're usually off somewhere, leaving all the housework, caretaking, and training to me," interrupted Ran. "Admittedly, it was like that before Hachiman showed up as well."

"Exactly! And look; I, your benevolent and caring mistress, am giving you sanctioned time off from your usual duties and responsibilities!" Yukari made a showy gesture, as if to indicate that Ran should be incredibly appreciative of being treated with dignity for once.

Ran, of course, was in no mood to play along.

She grumbled. "Hah, since I don't seem to have a choice in the matter, can you at least tell me what you expect me to do so that I can prepare appropriately? Is it reconnaissance, infiltration, replacement, or some other not-so-shady mission?" Despite her misgivings, Ran rarely had a chance to make use of her near-flawless transformation abilities, so this was an opportunity to test herself.

Yukari didn't need a second to respond; she immediately opened up a portal and reached inside, dragging a portable blackboard out with several bulletpoints already written on it.

_1\. __Get a feel for the Chiba area, especially key locations. (home, school, hangouts, etc.)_

_2\. __Minimize interaction with Hachi-chan's family/friends/acquaintances._

_3\. __Pick up some local sake as well as a six-pack of MAX coffee._

Ran looked over the list, scratching her furry head at that last item. She knew Yukari loved to drink, but what was this 'MAX coffee' she mentioned?

"Yukari-sama, the first point is clear, but why wouldn't I want to reveal myself to as many of his social links as possible? Wouldn't that help put their minds at ease, letting them know he's alive and well?"

Yukari shook her head in disbelief, as if Ran had asked the dumbest question possible. "No, no, no. You're nowhere ready to fool them into thinking you're the _genuine_ article. You may look the part, creepy eyes and all, but the instant they start talking to you, they'll notice something is off."

This was not far from the truth; despite being a freeloader in the Yakumo household and interacting with Yukari/Ran/Chen daily, Hachiman wasn't exactly the type to spill his guts to what amounted to complete strangers, even if he wasn't as wary of them as when they first met.

(He had been less guarded around Suika, but considering he had consumed so much alcohol that his liver should have peaced out, that was a very special set of circumstances.)

But it wasn't like Ran knew next to nothing about the former King of Loners; he had surprised himself with the way he had gradually opened up to her about his worries, his concerns, his self-doubt. Sure, it was mostly negative, but he didn't receive the Power of Rejection from living an optimistic, cheerful life, not like those goddamn riajuu.

Realizing a serious contradiction in Yukari's directions, Ran asked her, "If I'm going to be visiting the areas and places Hachiman frequents, won't that just increase the likelihood that I'll be spotted by someone who recognizes him?"

This point gave Yukari pause; Ran was right. (A rare admittance on Yukari's part.) Short of donning an invisibility cloak procured from Nitori [**1**] or an Anti-Barrier from an alien frog [**2**], Ran was bound to be found out sooner or later.

When Yukari clapped her hands together, Ran hoped for the best: that this stupid idea would be scrapped completely and she would be spared the indignation of having to pretend to be a human male.

Naturally, that was never going to be the case.

"Just fake it 'til you make it! Or, if it really gets to be too much, try to make up an excuse and run far, far away!" Yukari, as previously mentioned, was not exactly the type of person to get pep talks from. "Don't worry, you'll only be there for about a day, Ran. If worse comes to worse, you can always find an alley or run-down building to hide in!"

"ARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHH-"

"Now, now, time's a wasting. Go get ready; we leave in thirty minutes."

* * *

Looking at herself in the mirror one last time, Ran, now transformed into Hikigaya Hachiman clothed in his Soubu High uniform, sighed heavily. 'HachiRan', as Yukari had dubbed her, was going to step foot into Chiba for the first time ever. Though briefed on the Outside World and its differences from Gensoukyou and the Human Village in particular, HachiRan was not feeling very confident in herself. Er, 'himself'. Yes. 'He' would have to get used to referring to 'himself' as a male, lest the façade become exposed too soon.

HachiRan looked at 'himself' in the mirror one last, last time, noting that 'his' eyes really did resemble a dead fish's, feeling the smallest pang of sympathy for the boy. Yukari had somehow obtained a substantial amount of the local currency (Japanese yen), no doubt stealing from the shrine maiden's donation box again, reminding HachiRan of 'his' mission's third and most critical point: to purchase sake and MAX coffee. Apparently, Hachiman had a particular fondness for the drink, a Chiba specialty.

HachiRan did not believe for a second that Yukari was doing this out of the goodness of her heart. No, it was far more likely that Yukari would taunt the boy with his favorite drink, or even resort to using it as a bribe or worse, pour it on the ground right in front of him, annihilating his spirit completely.

That last thought might have sounded like an exaggeration, but anyone who had ever seen Hachiman drinking MAX coffee knew that he cherished every drop like it was his own lifeblood.

"Yukari-sama, I am ready."

Grinning wickedly, Yukari simply nodded and announced to no one in particular, "It's showtime."

* * *

Emerging from the portal in a mostly-empty sports stadium, HachiRan, hidden from view under the bleachers, dusted 'himself' off and tried to straighten 'his' hair, the ahoge stubbornly refusing to settle down with a stable job and two kids. 'He' could hear some youths practicing on the field, but not being terribly familiar with sports, did not choose to stick around to observe.

Thankfully, Yukari had chosen a Sunday to execute her plan, as a high school boy wandering around town on a school day would have drawn too much attention to himself. Digging into 'his' pockets, HachiRan withdrew a crude map of Chiba, trying to make heads or ninetails [**3**] of where 'he' should go first. Yukari's artistic abilities were on par with her self-restraint — that is to say, practically nonexistent.

Recalling that his family consisted of a father, mother, younger sister, and a cat, HachiRan carefully considered how to approach 'his' house without arousing suspicion. The most obvious, of course, was to ditch this Hachiman disguise and adopt something that stood out less. However, her mistress had forbidden her from pursuing this level-headed approach, explaining that since HachiRan would be visiting more often in the future, that 'he' might as well get used to this appearance sooner rather than later.

No alternatives, Fox Spirit only, Final Destination.

_Well, here goes nothing. If I'm fortunate, 'nothing' is exactly what's going to hap-_

"Hachiman! Is that you, Hachiman?"

_Are you kidding me?_ thought the disguised youkai.

It was Totsuka Saika, though HachiRan had not been brought up to speed on the effeminate and charming boy that was the angel of Soubu High.

So it came as no surprise that HachiRan mistook Saika for a girl, like pretty much everybody else.

Panicking internally, HachiRan put on 'his' best neutral face, unsure of the exact nature of the relationship between Hachiman and this mysterious 'girl'. Hachiman's demeanor and life philosophy meant he was never one for friendly smiles, so that should have been an easy choice to eliminate.

That was the first mistake HachiRan made that day.

Saika wondered if Hachiman was feeling under the weather; this was the first time since they became friends that Hachiman hadn't greeted him warmly. Perhaps this could also explain why Hachiman suddenly stopped attending school recently.

Trying again, Saika greeted the individual he thought was Hachiman, "Are you OK, Hachiman? We haven't seen you in class recently. Yui is especially worried about you, since she tried calling you many times, but you never picked up."

HachiRan continued to sweat danmaku, still not knowing who 'he' had been cornered by. Finally getting a reign on 'his' nerves, the first thing 'he' said was, "I'm fine, since as long as a problem doesn't cause problems, it can't be called a problem. Nothing I can't handle."

Irony was having a bargain sale today. HachiRan, desperately trying to sound as Hachiman-like as possible, had quoted his idiocy, therefore imitating him, for a good reason. [**4**]

It seemed to have done the trick, though, as Saika visibly relaxed, convinced that the Hachiman he knew wasn't completely gone or overwritten. HachiRan also then relaxed as well, having muted the 'girl's' suspicions for now.

"That sounds exactly like something you'd say, no matter what you were dealing with, Hachiman, though I wish you would come to us, your friends, for assistance. You always try to take the burden entirely upon your back, but you don't need to do that."

HachiRan felt bad for deceiving this innocent 'maiden', unsure of how to follow up on Saika's offer of a helping hand. "I-I just have a lot on my mind, it's nothing serious." It wasn't a complete lie either, just that the thoughts flying through HachiRan's head were along the lines of _Who the hell is this girl? 'Calls'? What the heck are 'calls' supposed to be referring to? Is this going to be a FISSION MAILED before I accomplish any of the goals?_ [**5**]

"I'm parched, how about you, Hachiman? Want a drink? My treat."

Truly an angel; this 'girl' was unwavering in 'her' desire to connect with Hachiman. If they weren't dating already, then Hachiman was a fool for running away. HachiRan made up 'his' mind; 'he' would help improve relations with this 'girl', so that if and when the real article returned, he wouldn't have to start over from zero.

Recalling the trivia about Hachiman's favorite drink, HachiRan responded with, "I'll have a MAX coffee, if you don't mind." _Nice! Definitely more convincing now. But I still don't know her name._

Scanning the sack on the 'girl's' shoulder, HachiRan found something that looked like an identification tag of sorts. _Hmm…Totsuka…Ayaka? I'm not sure how comfortable Hachiman is around her, so I'll refer to her by her family name for now._ [**6**]

Walking alongside Totsuka, HachiRan initiated the next topic. "Totsuka," 'he' began, getting the 'girl's' full attention, "What have I missed in class while I was gone?" _Let the other party do most of the talking, see what I can gleam from it._

"Oh, not much. Just the usual lessons. We've started reading The Eighth Day by Kakuta Mitsuyo. [**7**] It's a gripping story, I guess, but it's such a different world from the one us teenagers live in that it's sometimes hard to empathize with the characters."

_Probably similar to how Hachiman feels about being thrust into Gensoukyou without warning, torn away from his comfort zone,_ mused HachiRan. _Yukari-sama hadn't kidnapped him, per se, but he wasn't exactly given any palatable alternatives._

"Since I haven't read it yet," _completely true_, "could you give me a rough summary, Totsuka?"

"I don't want to spoil too much, so maybe- hang on, I think I brought the book with me today, to read during practice downtime." Totsuka removed the tennis bag and dug around, eventually resurfacing with said novel. "Here you go, Hachiman. I'll loan you my copy for today; just make sure you return it to me tomorrow before class starts!"

The subtext was apparent to HachiRan; _Come back to school. We miss you. _**I**_ miss you, Hachiman._ But there was also the issue of returning the book; would HachiRan have to put in appearances two days in a row? And at school, no less?

_Maybe I'll just ask Yukari-sama to use her portals to return this to Totsuka._

"Ah, we also have a math test coming up; since you're a little behind, why don't we study for it together, with our friends?"

"That's OK, I wouldn't want to trouble you too much," replied HachiRan. _Besides, I'd probably be able to ace it in my sleep._ [**8**]

Having walked for a while during their light conversation, the duo arrived in front of an outdoor vending machine. HachiRan, unsurprisingly, had never laid eyes upon such a contraption in 'his' life. Just as there are no buses in Gensoukyou, there are also no vending machines. [**9**]

Taking out some change, Totsuka made his selection first, a sports drink, naturally. "Hachiman, you said you wanted a MAX coffee, right?"

"Yeah, that'd be great, Totsuka."

Handing HachiRan 'his' drink, the fox youkai fiddled with the tab for a moment before successfully cracking it open and taking 'his' first taste of-

***COUGH COUGH COUGH***

"Hachiman! Are you alright?" shouted Totsuka, rushing over to HachiRan.

Clearing 'his' throat, 'he' choked out, "How can anybody drink this unbelievably sweet swill?"

In that instant, Totsuka's demeanor completely changed. This was what was nagging at him the entire time, ever since 'Hachiman' mysteriously reappeared today.

_He didn't greet me with a smile. He almost seemed like he didn't recognize me at first. He immediately turned down my offer to study together, despite math being among his worst subjects. He had trouble opening a can of MAX coffee, something he's done hundreds of times already. And the kicker: HE ISN'T ENJOYING HIS MAX coffee._

Pointing an accusing finger at HachiRan, Totsuka began to interrogate 'him'. "Who are you? You're not the Hikigaya Hachiman I know! What have you done with the real Hachiman? Why are you doing this? Oh god, did you kidnap him, just like in the novel?"

HachiRan, on 'his' end, was going through a similar mental meltdown. _SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT I'VE LOST CONTROL OF THE SITUATION THINK RAN THINK HOW DO I CONVINCE HER THAT I'M REALLY HACHIMAN_

In what would prove to be the biggest mistake of HachiRan's debut, 'he' decided to use [Confusion] via [Affection], still not aware of Totsuka's true gender.

Closing the distance, HachiRan scooped Totsuka into 'his' arms, gazing deeply into 'her' eyes. Using the cheesiest ladykiller-smooth voice, HachiRan uttered, "Maybe _this_ will convince you…" before planting 'his' lips onto 'hers'.

Time stopped for both of them.

For HachiRan, because 'he' had been driven into a corner and had to resort to what should have been an ultimate attack.

For Totsuka, because he didn't think Hachiman felt that way about him so strongly that he would act upon it in such a way. Still, it felt quite pleasant…

_No, I can't be swept away like this! I'm dealing with a fake Hachiman!_

Pushing 'him' away, Totsuka used the back of his hand to wipe his lips, feeling intimately violated by this stranger wearing the face of his close friend.

HachiRan was at a loss; surely, a romantic gesture of that magnitude should have at least temporarily silenced any doubts in Totsuka's mind. But why was 'she' even more guarded than before?

Going for her final trump card, HachiRan went for broke. "_Ayaka_, what's wrong? Don't you recognize me, Hikigaya Hachiman?"

Strike three, you're out.

Totsuka _Saika_ exploded. "That proves it! You're definitely not Hachiman!"

"N-NANI?!"

"My name is Totsuka _Saika_! Not _Ayaka_!"

HachiRan knew 'he' had messed up, big time. "Wa-wait, you're not a girl?" The last time someone's gender threw 'him' for this much of a loop was meeting Wriggle Nightbug. [**10**]

"No!" _Was that my first kiss? Argh! I want a do-over! This is terrible!_

"Uh…uh…[Superhuman: Soaring En no Ozunu]!" HachiRan promptly sped away [**11**], leaving behind a speechless and flustered Totsuka.

Touching his lips again, he muttered, "Well, maybe I can have some pleasant dreams based on this experience, if nothing else…"

* * *

Hours later, when Yukari finally came to retrieve her servant, she noted that Ran (no longer in Hachiman form) was beet red.

"Oh hoh? Did something happen when I wasn't paying attention?" Ran knew that to be a big fat lie; Yukari was probably lounging around, watching the whole thing play out through her many portals. "Did I witness my widdle Ran fawwing in wuv?"

Ran made no comment, still embarrassed over her severe miscalculation. She also noted that upon reverting back, she still had _Saika's_ copy of The Eighth Day in her possession.

_Great. Not only is Yukari-sama going to relentlessly tease me, but now I also have to ask her for a favor, since there's no way I'll be able to face _him_ again so soon._

Looking at Ran, Yukari noted a distinct lack of booze. "So, to sum up today, not only did you fail to scout out the locations despite being provided with a map, you also had a disastrous run-in with one of Hachi-chan's closest male friends, but on top of all of that, you didn't even buy the items on the shopping list after I went to all that trouble to scrounge up enough money?" Yukari faux-sneered, enjoying her role far too much. "You disappoint me, Ran."

"…But that just means you need more practice! We'll do another runthrough tomorrow!"

Ran sometimes, no, often wished that her mistress was _anyone_ other than Yakumo Yukari.

* * *

**Author's Notes:**

[**1**] In Mountain of Faith, Nitori (the Kappa engineer) dons a faulty optical camouflage suit, which the protagonists (Reimu/Marisa) point out didn't work all that well since they spotted Nitori almost immediately.

[**2**] From Keroro Gunsou. The titular character and his platoon equip this cloaking device on their headwear, though individuals with a high enough CURIOSITY stat can bypass the effects.

[**3**] Yakumo Ran is not actually a ninetail fox; she is a shikigami possessing the body of a ninetail fox. To-may-to, to-mah-to. Her real name is supposedly not Yakumo Ran, but this is purely speculation.

[**4**] Go reread Chapter 4 of Monster of Logic; it's not the first time I've referenced this conversation either. It probably won't be the last time, either.

[**5**] A humorous not-quite Game Over screen in the Metal Gear Solid series. Fox symbolism also plays a huge role in the meta-series.

[**6**] An alternate name reading of (彩加) is 'Ayaka' (usually for girls) instead of 'Saika'.

[**7**] This real Japanese novel (not to be confused with all of the other novels with the exact same title) tells the story of a distraught woman who abducts her lover's daughter and raises her as her own despite no blood relations. Given how touchy the subjects of dating, marriage, children, motherhood, family, etc. are for Christmas Cakes, it's all but guaranteed that Hiratsuka-sensei loathes having to use this book as lesson material. Great, now I have yet _another_ story idea cluttering up my writing backlog…

[**8**] For extra irony, Hachiman is really bad at math and science, while Ran excels in mathematics. That makes Ran the true 'monster of logic'.

[**9**] A meme from 'Cirno's Perfect Math Class' by IOSYS.

[**10**] A boss character from Imperishable Night. Often jokingly portrayed as a guy due to her appearance and outfit.

[**11**] One of Ran's spellcards in Shoot The Bullet, which greatly increases her movement speed.

I wanted to write something for Halloween, and it came down to either this or Death. Ran is essentially cosplaying as Hachiman and that is completely thematically appropriate.

Originally, I was going to have HachiRan go the whole chapter without finding out 'his' companion's name, but a kanji misreading makes for a better "EHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH?!" moment.

Lots of people ship [Hachiman x Saika], but I might be the first person ever in either fandom to ship [HachiRan x Saika]. This is not to be confused with [Ran x Saika], which is an affront to all living beings (source: Hachiman, who would probably declare that Totsuka belongs to nobody and everybody).


	6. The Ever-Present Distance Between People

This is another side story to Monster of Logic by Alxariam. She has granted approval to an unpopular writer like me to invoke her story.

This snippet takes place somewhere after chapter 6 of her story, though it may not line up with future MoL canon, depending on how MoL develops.

* * *

Original Blurb: Hikigaya Hachiman greatly misses his little sister, Komachi. In an unusually magnanimous gesture, Yakumo Yukari offers to take Hachiman to see Komachi. Moral of the story: If it sounds too good to be true, it most definitely is.

* * *

**Side Story 6 — The Ever-Present Distance Between People**

* * *

It had been weeks since I unceremoniously arrived in Gensoukyou.

Since my border crossing, I had been unable to get in contact with any of the people important to me: Komachi, Totsuka, maybe the Service Club, Kamakura.

It was a short list.

"I really miss Komachi," I said out loud to nobody in particular.

I waited for a response, knowing Yukari was undoubtedly listening in from somewhere. I was never once under the illusion that I was ever granted privacy when crashing at her place. Her personality, or what little I could discern, simply wouldn't have allowed her to keep her nose out of my business.

Granted, if my powers were anywhere as dangerous as she made them sound, my business was kind of her business, but still, spying on me 24/7 wasn't exactly the way to build a relationship based on trust (lol).

Sighing, I spoke up first. "I know you can hear me, Yukari." I actually couldn't, but she seems to be a sucker for theatrics, so I might as well play the part, since the end result is the same anyways.

A portal unzipped and the youkai woman in question stepped out. "I thought I was being more discreet this time, Hachi-chan. How did you know I was there?"

I didn't, but let's see if I can pull one over her for once. "I could hear your sinister giggling through the dimensional portals, and assumed you overheard me." Not concerned in the least about the life I was about to forfeit, I continued, "I'd recognize that old hag laughter anywhere."

Surprisingly, Yukari didn't burst a blood vessel. She even seemed to be…smiling? And not a forced smile?

...Who was she and what had she done with the real Yakumo Yukari?

While I was puzzling over the unusual non-reaction, she made me an offer that, under ordinary circumstances, I would never refuse. "Why don't _I_ take you to see Komachi, Hachi-chan?"

_Did I hear that right? No, there's definitely a catch here. This is Yukari we're dealing with, after all._ "As much as I would like nothing more than to see Komachi again, accepting a deal with you is no better than a deal with the devil." It was no exaggeration to say that was the hardest decision I've ever had to make in my life. "Though I doubt you'd ask for something like my soul, I can imagine numerous other outcomes, all of which end poorly for me in one way or another."

Yukari continued to smile, which only served to have the opposite effect on me, creeping me out more and more. "No strings attached, Hachi-chan." _Bullshit, obviously._ "I've sent Ran out on an errand today, so she won't be around to train you anyways."

I continued to stare at her with my dead-fish eyes, but if she was wearing a mask, I couldn't pierce through it. She and Haruno were far too similar for my liking, but I was stuck here for the time being, and beggars couldn't be choosers.

"Fine. So this is one time that I won't owe you anything in return, correct?" I had to make sure this much was clear before signing on the dotted invisible line.

"Yup. I'm taking you to see Komachi, and you don't have to pay me back for this." She opened up a portal and gestured for me to follow behind her, but before I stepped inside, she handed me a blindfold and earplugs.

"What are these for, Yukari?"

"Precautions."

…I didn't ask any further questions and obediently donned the accessories, feeling her pull my arm into the gap as soon as I had cut off two of my prized senses.

* * *

I was roughly pulled out from the gap, landing on the hard ground with a thud. Or at least that's what I think happened. Taking a risk, I removed my blindfold, hoping to see a familiar face, or at least familiar surroundings.

I was standing on an unidentified riverbank, the view in front me shrouded in faint mist, jagged rock protrusions dotting the water's surface.

I was most certainly not in Chiba.

"What the hell is going on here, Yukari?" I was not in the mood for one of her stupid jokes again. "How could Komachi possibly be here?" Tsk. She was probably hiding in one of her portals, given that I couldn't actually see her.

…No response.

"Yukari!" I shouted, trying to get her attention.

"YUKARI!"

"**YUKARI!**"

…Still no response.

I suddenly felt a hand tap my shoulder, causing me to swirl around to see who it was.

A white-gloved arm belonging to Yukari pointed at my head, then the sides of my head.

Oh, right. I hadn't removed the earplugs yet.

"-ere's no need to shout, Hachi-chan. I can hear you just fine, though the same couldn't be said for you just now. Geez, how forgetful can you be?" Her voice was now loud and clear, a natural outcome of undeafening myself.

"Where the hell is this?" I reiterated, now able to hear whatever excuse she had prepared. "There's no way Komachi would be in a place like this!"

"Gasp! Are you calling me a _liar_, Hachi-chan?" That faux-shock won't work on me. "Why don't you believe me? Don't you trust me, Hachi-chan?"

"I think you and I both know the answer to that, Yukari." I'd always had a hard time trusting people, and nosy Yukari-types were especially problematic. "There's no way my imouto would be in a desolate place like this!" I made a motion to the oddly serene, yet unsettling scenery.

"Ara? I don't remember promising taking you to see your family, Hachi-chan."

_This shitty old hag._ "Your exact words were, 'Why don't I take you to see Komachi, Hachi-chan?' if I recall." Hearing myself mouth out 'Hachi-chan' made me gag a little. "How else am I supposed to interpret that?"

Yukari, still hidden from view, simply snorted in response. "As expected of you, Hachi-chan. You're so narrow-minded when it comes to your imouto that you don't pay attention to anything else."

"What the _fuck_ are you going on about?" Once again, I found myself losing patience with Yukari's roundabout methods.

"I'm going to let you figure this one out on your own, Hachi-chan. Bye-bye!"

Damn it. She's left me stranded in an unfamiliar location once again. I sat down, gazing at the calm river, processing Yukari's parting words. While she was undoubtedly a manipulative and deceptive trickster, I couldn't think of any prior instances where she had outright _lied_ to me about anything.

As I was turning the words over in my head, I noticed a figure come into view, the silhouette shrouded in mist. As the figure drew nearer, I could faintly hear a boisterous voice calling out.

"Hey! Been waiting long?" Female, probably not an imouto-type to fill the Komachi-shaped hole in my heart.

I looked around, wondering who the individual was addressing, but saw no one else on the shore.

"Are you deaf? I'm talking to you, fish-eyes!" Well, that answers that question.

"I can hear just fine," _especially after removing the earplugs earlier_. "Who are you? You make it sound like we made an appointment." Which, obviously, nothing of the sort ever existed. I don't _do_ social outings as a general rule, especially not with shady characters in shady places for shady reasons.

As 'she' got nearer, I could get a better view of whomever it was I was talking to. Short red hair, two sidetails, a blue-white dress, sash, and weapons of mass distraction that could rival Yuigahama.

Speaking of weapons, she also appeared to be carrying a scythe over her shoulder. A farmhand, perhaps? She was also sitting atop a small rowboat that seemed ill-suited for travel.

Finally reaching land, she stood up and stepped onto the riverbank, looking directly at me and sizing me up, for some unexplained reason.

"I'm Onozuka Komachi, shinigami!"

"Komachi?" I muttered to myself. I see now; _my_ Komachi had always been the center of my universe, so it didn't occur to me that Yukari might have been referring to _other_ people who happened to have the same given name, though she obviously meant to mislead me from the start.

_I swear to god, Yukari, I'm going to get you back for this._

I still didn't know what I was going to do next. All of my plans had revolved around reconnecting with my imouto, not some god of death.

My stomach took this moment to speak up, loudly.

"Oh, wanna grab something to eat first? No point in making a journey on an empty stomach, right?" not-my-imouto Komachi suggested.

"And just where do you think we'll find food? Are we going to go fishing without proper equipment?"

She waved her scythe-free hand. "No no no. Not only will I get scolded if I do that, but you can't really fill your stomach with those anyways." [**1**] "Look," she pointed behind me, "We can grab something from the food stands over there before we head out."

I turned around and saw a well-lit road that wasn't there before. Or maybe it was, and as Yukari had said, I had been too focused on actual-imouto Komachi that I wasn't paying much attention to my surroundings. As not-my-imouto Komachi had indicated, there was indeed a bunch of vendors and customers, giving an atmosphere not unlike that of a shrine festival. [**2**]

Then I remembered that I had spent my last yen (read: been shaken down by a totally uncute Kappa) getting my phone repaired, so alas, I could not afford even a single skewer. When I informed not-my-imouto Komachi of this monetary issue, she laughed and told me that it would be her treat.

Great, now I would have to be indebted to yet another individual.

But my stomach growled once again, telling my brain to stop overthinking things.

We approached a stand selling takoyaki, but just before ordering, I asked, "How much per order?" Upon hearing the exorbitant price, there was no way I could let not-my-imouto Komachi treat me to something that expensive, mainly because I would have to repay her with an equally expensive meal. I pulled her away from the takoyaki stand and towards another food stand, hoping to find a fairer market price.

Eventually, we settled on a yakisoba stand that didn't gouge customers' wallets. Thanking not-my-imouto Komachi for the food, we both dug in, slurping up the noodles, nary a word between us.

"Hey, thanks back there."

"For what?" I asked, taking in another mouthful.

"For not letting me get swindled by that first vendor. Usually, I don't ask first, so I would have been in deep trouble if you hadn't been there."

I looked at not-my-imouto Komachi, unused to receiving gratitude from a complete stranger. "You're welcome, I guess." Was airheadedness another trait she had in common with Yuigahama?

"You know, I still haven't got your name, fish-eyes."

"Hikigaya. Hikigaya Hachiman."

"So, what brings you here?"

_A misunderstanding, a boundary youkai, and two metric tons of irony_. "I just kind of ended up here, to be honest."

"Oh, one of those, I see." _What? 'One of those'?_ What was she talking about?

Finishing the last of the noodles, she stood up and dusted herself off. "If you're all done, we should get going; don't want to keep the boss lady waiting."

"Wait, where are we going? Where are you taking me?" What was I suddenly getting roped into now?

"What, you haven't realized it yet? You're in Hell. [**3**] I'm taking you to the Yama for you to receive your judgement."

* * *

The trek back to the boat was a quiet one, me not saying a word to not-my-imouto Komachi.

_Judged? Hell? Satori did mention a relocation, so this might be where she was referring to. Wait, am I really dead this time? Not-my-imouto Komachi did say that she was a shinigami. Maybe I'll meet my end after judgment is passed on me._

I wanted to run away. I didn't want to face death. Not when I still had so many things left to do, so many things left unresolved. So many chapters of ToraSaba to catch up on…

"Well, what are you waiting for, Hikigaya? Hop aboard!" Not-my-imouto Komachi's voice snapped me out of my thoughts. "Usually, I would charge for this, but since I already know you don't have money on you, I'll cover the fee this time as well." Again, another debt thrown onto the ever-expanding pile.

Wait, if I was dead already or going to die soon, wouldn't my debts be wiped out? If that was the case, I should have ordered more back at the food stalls!

…No, that wouldn't have been in line with my beliefs.

Stepping onto the rickety watercraft, I was surprised to see it hold up. Not-my-imouto Komachi pushed the boat off of land, and I dreaded having to make small talk on the way to my final destination.

"We're here."

Wait, what? That was way too fast! I know this boat wasn't equipped with turbo jet engines, so how did we arrive already?

Not-my-imouto Komachi rubbed the back of her head sheepishly. "Since we took a bit more time getting food, I needed to make up the difference, so I shortened the distance more than usual." [**4**] _Ah, another unbelievable unscientific ability. Well, at least there wasn't any dead air to fill, nor did I get seasick._

I stepped off of the boat and saw an endless field of flowers as far as the eye could see. How was there this much teeming plant life in Hell? [**5**]

Turning around, I could not see the other side at all, the same mist interfering with visibility. I considered trying to escape via swimming [**6**], but that seemed like a suicidal task. [**7**]

"C'mon! Let's hurry! I already told you that the boss lady doesn't like to be kept waiting!"

Why was I being forced to rush to my own end?

* * *

Not-my-imouto Komachi guided me to the 'boss lady' after what seemed like several detours. It seemed like she really was as scatterbrained as her Chiba counterpart, though whether her job duties were deadlier than Yuigahama's cooking remained to be seen.

Heh, if by some freak chance Yuigahama and I were to become a couple, I'm pretty sure my cause of death would be her home-cooked meals.

The 'boss lady' didn't appear all that intimidating at first glance. Seated behind a large desk, she wore what appeared to be formal attire befitting of her role, though the legal system in Gensoukyou was still a giant question mark to me. Her blue eyes and green hair was topped off with a fancy hat, complete with a scale-emblazoned golden emblem.

"Shiki Eiki-sama, I've brought the-" Not-my-imouto Komachi was interrupted by a whack to the head. The 'boss lady', Eiki, had used some sort of wooden rod, rather than her own hands. Possibly because Komachi was a good deal taller than Eiki.

"Komachi! I can't believe you were slacking off again!" Another whack.

"Eek!"

"Where is the ferrying fee? Did you forget to collect it again?!" Yet another whack.

"No, that's not it this time!" _This time? So she screwed up like that before?_ "This soul didn't bring any money with him!"

"And you just let him cross the Sanzu River for free, Komachi? We don't run a charity here! We have boats to fix! Torture devices in disarray and requiring maintenance!" lectured Eiki. [**8**]

Even though this was directed at not-my-imouto Komachi, it felt really bizarre to hear someone outside of my family criticizing 'Komachi' so harshly.

"B-but he helped prevent me from getting scammed at the vendors!" not-my-imouto Komachi tried to reason. This only earned her another whack to the head.

"Oh, are you telling me that in addition to not collecting payment as required, you spent **more** of the meager funds on food?" Eiki was completely unmoved by not-my-imouto Komachi's appeal to emotion, her professional manner greatly contrasting with not-my-imouto Komachi's more relaxed attitude.

The two somewhat reminded me of the Service Club girls, their dynamic resulting in an unexpected but lasting relationship. I wondered if not-my-imouto Komachi glomped Eiki as often as Yurigahama did to Yukinoshita.

Eiki sighed in disappointment, much like a certain club president often would. "So, who am I judging?"

"Ah, this would be Hikigaya Hachiman," answered not-my-imouto Komachi.

"Cause of death?"

"He says he doesn't know how he died."

_N-NANI?_ [**9**] They're working off the assumption that I'm _already_ dead? I needed to clear this misunderstanding immediately.

"Um, actually, I'm still very much alive, or at least I'm pretty sure I am." Were I not dealing with Yukari earlier, I could have stated that with 100% confidence. If it made any difference, I could be argued to have been dead inside for a long time now, but I don't think Hell accepts figuratively dead inhabitants.

Eiki frowned and stared at me intensely.

"No, that can't be right; living beings making it across the Sanzu River is almost unheard of." _But there _have _been exceptions, then?_ "Why did you accompany Komachi, a shinigami, all the way here, if you are not among the dead, as you claim?"

"I was dragged into her pace?" I weakly offered. It certainly wasn't curiosity, nor was it a masochistic urge to be belittled by little girls who were likely older than dirt. [**10**]

"I don't think we were expecting you today," a confused Eiki stated. Flipping through the papers on her desk, she seemed to be at a loss. "If only the shinigami present had the eyes needed to verify his remaining lifespan…" [**11**]

"Um, if I'm not dead, do I still need to be judged so soon?" _And can someone lend me boatfare, since I need to cross the Sanzu River again?_

Eiki took a deep breath, then announced, "Hikigaya Hachiman, your judgement begins now." I started to protest, but was cut off pre-emptively. "All counter-arguments and testimony from the judged will be ignored, and no interruptions will be permitted."

My opinion went ignored, as usual. Well, at least I don't have to talk much anymore.

Eiki held up a mirror, gazing into its reflective surface. _What kind judge takes time out for vanity during a trial?_ "I see, so you're not originally from Gensoukyou, but an outsider… terrorizing the Human Village by pretending to be one of them…living under the same roof as Yakumo Yukari as a freeloader, not contributing anything of value…getting drunk and espousing 'Youth is a lie' repeatedly, much to the consternation of other patrons…reneging on payment for a job…"

She continued to read off my life in Gensoukyou up to the present, seeing the negative in everything and making it sound like I was deserving of my fate. _If Yukinoshita ever became a judge, I imagine she'd act similar to Eiki._ But I was terrified of jumping up to defend myself, since I didn't know how the judge would react. It was wiser to assume that all inhabitants of Gensoukyou were dangerous until proven otherwise.

Also, what was with this pattern of everyone and their mother somehow knowing every single little thing about my life? Yukari (busybody), Satori (mind-reader), Aya (paparazzi), and now Eiki? Was my privacy non-existent? [**12**]

As Eiki finished her all-too-long summary, she placed the mirror down and addressed me once again. "Hikigaya Hachiman, it appears that you are still counted among the living, but the weight of your sins does not warrant punishment so severe even if you were deceased. Sins that cannot be judged by laws are judged by me." [**13**]

_See, Yukinoshita, I told yo-_

"However, there is much room for improvement. You seem to be under the impression that relying solely on oneself, shutting out all others, will bring you the least trouble. But in doing so, you sever the already-created bonds, which is a great sin. If you continue on like this, you won't be able to help those when you actually realize you want to."

"An isolated human is determined to be the least virtuous spirit," chimed in not-my-imouto Komachi. [**13**]

"Don't interrupt, Komachi!" scolded Eiki, a reoccurring action between the duo. "It is a fact that people hurt each other just by existing, whether intentionally or not. Even now, your absence from the Outside World is causing those closest to you pain. Being conscious of this fact is more mentally exhausting, but ignorance does not excuse the pain caused. My advice to you is this: Forge strong bonds with people. That is the good deed you can do while you are still alive." [**14**]

Huh, this sounded like Hiratsuka-sensei's lectures all over again. Not surprising, since I was the target audience in both cases. It wasn't like I going to be able to maintain a loner-only lifestyle for much longer anyways, not if I wanted to make something more out of my potentially too-short life.

"One final question, Hikigaya."

"What is it?" I assumed I was allowed to speak again, seeing as the judgement had been handed down.

"What kind of youkai _are_ you? This is the first time I've heard of an outsider who _wasn't_ human."

* * *

**Author's Notes:**

[**1**] The Sanzu River is filled with numerous species of fish, but they seem to be ghosts/spirits, and are unsuitable for consumption. There's a mistaken-for-dead dead-fish eyed MC eating dead fish joke in there somewhere...

[**2**] The Road of Liminality connects Youkai Mountain to the Sanzu River. Numerous ex-criminals run stands here as a way to drive up business in the area, though price-gouging is frequent. The living and the dead alike are welcome to stroll through the street.

[**3**] Usually referred to as 'New Hell' to differentiate it from 'Former Hell'.

[**4**] Touhou!Komachi's ability is to manipulate distances, both actual and apparent. Usually, the dead who pay more experience a faster trip across the Sanzu River. Hachiman got both a free lunch and a free trip out of this misunderstanding.

[**5**] The Sanzu River separates Shigan (living shore) and Higan (dead shore). Higan is considered a 'Pure Land', without day/night/seasons/weather, much like the moon, which in Touhou, is considered an artificial 'Pure Land'. The Earth is in 'impure Land', though no megalomaniacs have risen up to 'cleanse' it in Touhou canon.

[**6**] According to the drama CDs, Hachiman is a pretty good swimmer.

[**7**] Anything other than shinigami and their boats will sink in the Sanzu River.

[**8**] The main sources of income for Hell are crossing fares and street vendors. The boats and torture devices are worn and weathered as a consequence of a lack of funding.

[**9**] Fist of the North Star reference.

[**10**] Eiki Shiki is stated to be immortal, but her age is unknown.

[**11**] Not only a Death Note reference, but in Touhou, there are shinigami other than Komachi who actually keep records of a person's remaining lifespan. It does not seem to be an ability via eyesight; more like a job responsibility.

[**12**] Shiki Eiki's mirror allows her to see all of a person's past deeds.

[**13**] Quotes from Phantasmagoria of Flower View, the first game Shiki Eiki and Onozuka Komachi appeared in.

[**14**] This particular quote is between Shiki Eiki and Izayoi Sakuya, the time-stopping knife-throwing maid. Sakuya is ostensibly human, as most official sources peg her as such, but like her inspiration, she seems to have rejected much of her humanity.

What's this? Continuity within the previously unconnected side stories, despite being of dubious canon relative to the main story?

This story idea was already decided way back in the first short, when Yukari misunderstood which Komachi the elder Yukinoshita was referring to.

The interpretation of Eiki's final line is left to the reader: being legitimately mistaken for a youkai once again (running gag), possibly already part-youkai or even full-youkai by this point (doubting his own humanity), or some other unexplored plot thread that will no doubt come to me later.


	7. Thwarting Death Is A Life Sentence

This is another side story to Monster of Logic by Alxariam. She has granted approval to an unproven writer like me to invoke her story.

This snippet takes place somewhere after chapter 7 of her story, though it may not line up with her future canon, depending on how MoL develops.

* * *

Original blurb: While in the Service Club, Hikigaya Hachiman was frequently compared to the undead. Now a Gensoukyou resident, he should have expected to run into an actual undead sooner or later.

* * *

**Side Story 7 — Thwarting Death Is A Life Sentence**

* * *

They say you can't judge a book by its cover. Or is it 'you shouldn't'?

I don't always follow that rule myself, though in my case, it's usually with literal books and not individuals. Have you seen the levels of fanservice pandering on some of these light novel covers?

Either way, I had lived my entire life being judged by my outward appearance and observable mannerisms. To be fair, I never really made an effort to convince anyone else that their first impressions of me were woefully inaccurate, as that would have required me to expend effort for little to no return.

And yet, I found myself being judged by an actual (?) judge of Hell, who had assumed that I wasn't a human, for some reason. My experiences in the Service Club had immediately pinpointed the culprit as my pin-pointy eyes, but Eiki was asking in such a sincere manner that I was unsure if I hadn't already become non-human in my time here.

Regardless of my species status, I was very much not dead, so Eiki ordered not-my-imouto Komachi to bring me back across the Sanzu River, sensing that another deceased soul had arrived on the opposite shore. The return voyage fee would also be docked from not-my-imouto Komachi's wages, an unfortunate but not unexpected punishment for wasting time and resources that I felt partly responsible for, though I couldn't have known it at the time. Not-my-imouto Komachi tried to protest, claiming it was an honest mistake (which it was), but the judge would not budge.

Grumbling under her breath, the shinigami ferried me across in an instant, before re-adopting a cheerful attitude in order to give the recently deceased some peace of mind. At least, that's what I inferred, as I was already thinking about the choice words I would have for a certain gap youkai hag.

Waving farewell to not-my-imouto Komachi, I trekked towards what amounted to living civilization in Gensoukyou, though without a map to guide me, it came as no surprise that I ended up lost once again. Despite my superior logical reasoning that any direction away from Hell would inevitably lead me back to the land of the living, I was stunned to find myself in a graveyard, of all places. From one resting place to another, huh?

I sat down and leaned against a gravestone, not particularly caring about the supposed act of desecration I was probably committing. If a vengeful ghost without legs wanted to curse me, I would put up no resistance. [**1**]

A soft wind wafted by, scattering cherry blossom petals and adding an unusual hint of color to a drab and weary location. Just what was a cherry blossom tree even doing here in the first place? Was this Gensoukyou's equivalent of Aoyama Cemetery? [**2**]

Figuring this was as good a time as any to take a short nap, despite no longer needing rest, another knock against my supposed humanity, I was about to close my eyes and drift off when I suddenly heard irregular footsteps approaching.

Very…very…slowly.

I yawned.

*step*

*step*

*step*

I yawned again. What was taking this person (?) so long? I felt like the hare from that children's fable, except the only thing I was racing against was my dwindling patience. Taking an unusual proactive action, I grumbled as I got back to my feet, ready to tell the unwanted company to go away.

In hindsight, given the abilities displayed by many of Gensoukyou's inhabitants, making them angry was a terrible and unnecessary risk. Besides, it wasn't fair of me to assume they would initially view me as a threat or even an enemy.

"Lady Seiga was right, I should exercise more often. I feel even stiffer than usual." Another female voice. Apparently answers directly to a higher being. Probably able to outrun her if things get dicey. The figure came into view as I was assessing the threat level, ready to make a break for it if necessary.

Huh, she kind of looked like one of those Chinese zombies, what were they called again? Jia…Jang…Jiangshi! [**3**] That red talisman on her forehead clinched it! She didn't seem as pale as that one time a drunk Marisa recalled fighting alongside an undead zombie miko. [**4**] She seemed lacking in intelligence and mobility, but I did recall that they felt neither pain nor fatigue, so a long drawn out encounter would put me at a severe disadvantage. At the moment, it seemed she hadn't noticed me ye-

"Hey, pal! What are you doing all the way out here?"

Was she talking to me? I looked around, certain that no one else was in this gloomy place. Just my luck, I supposed. "I think you have the wrong person; I don't even know you."

"Nah, I'd recognize eyes like that anywhere! You're totally one of us!" _What?_ "You have to teach me your secrets! How did your limbs get so flexible?"

I sighed deeply. All those cracks Yukinoshita made about me being a member of the undead finally came full circle. Here I was, being mistaken for one by an _actual_ non-living undead.

"Let me get one thing straight: I am not a zom-, no, not a jiangshi. I'm a human, got it?"

The jiangshi tilted her head. Or at least, she tried to tilt her head, but the stiffness in her neck prevented that and she ended up just standing there awkwardly, trying and failing to non-verbally express her confusion.

"Yeah? Well, I'm not a zombie! Gah! I hate it when people get it wrong!" Did I trigger her somehow? I even corrected myself, so I didn't get why she's so upset in the first place. "If you're not a comrade, then what are you doing here in the Great Mausoleum?"

Oh, so this place had an official name after all. "I was _about_ to take a nap, but then you showed up and mistook me for someone else." I doubted my sarcasm was going to register with her, given that she was a jiangshi and all.

"I see. So you're another enemy then." She took another stiff step towards me. "Finally, I can make Lady Seiga proud and redeem myself!"

_Wha-_

Without warning, she dove headfirst at me, barreling into a gravestone as I barely dodged out of the way. The stone crumbled like a poorly constructed wall, immediately cueing me into the fact that she had all her points invested into physical strength. [**5**]

"Stand still, you!" _Hah, funny joke._ "Let me bite you so that you can join us in serving Lady Seiga!" _Nope, not gonna happen._

She readjusted her position and barreled at me again, but thankfully, it was easy to predict based on where her stiff arms were pointing. Another gravestone shattered into smaller fragments, but she did not seem hampered in the least as she tried again and again.

This 'battle' (if it could even be called that), continued on for quite some time, as neither of us actually tired out at a regular human rate. By the thirteenth destroyed marker, I asked myself, '_Why haven't I just run away yet?_' I didn't actually need to recover via napping, and I certainly didn't have any emotional attachment to this place, so I guessed it was just my stubbornness, as usual.

I noted that she (name still unknown to me at this point) wasn't exactly in peak condition after all those failed launches; visible scrapes and bruises were increasing, but it was only when she dislocated her left arm that she finally paused her attacks and did something new. She opened her mouth and begin sucking in the air, mystifying me. Was she meditating? Was this one of those 'exercises' she mentioned earlier?

As it turned out, I wasn't even close.

She continued to inhale, and I began to faintly see ghostly flames materializing, before disappearing into her open cavity. Slowly, her left arm began to restore itself to its former stiff state, leading me to hypothesize that she could somehow 'eat' spirits to heal herself. [**6**]

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a purple object disappear behind of the still-intact gravestones. [**7**] Not wanting to divide my focus, I eyed the jiangshi girl as she prepared another all-or-nothing blitz, having restored herself completely. What is with this unfair regeneration ability?

"Yoshika! That's enough!" A sharp voice, also female (because _of course_), rang out, interrupting our duel. "Goodness, look at the mess you've made here!"

Was it my imagination, or was the voice coming from below us?

My question was answered almost immediately as the ground literally opened up. [**8**] A blue-haired woman hopped out, clad in a teal dress. If my guess was right, then she was the 'Lady Seiga' previously alluded to. Her hairstyle was done up into two loops, a stick holding them in place.

She then noticed my presence and turned to address me. "And who might you be? Are you the cause of Yoshika's misbehavior?"

Ah, so the jiangshi is named 'Yoshika'. Also, why was it automatically assumed that this was all my fault? Can't a guy get some decent peace and quiet around here? Why was there so much activity in a graveyard in the first place?

Gesturing to Yoshika, I explained, "I was minding my own business when your subordinate, mistaking me for a zombie-"

"Jiangshi!" corrected Yoshika.

"Right, right, whatever. She didn't believe me when I said I was a human, then she started assaulting me out of nowhere! From an outsider's point of view, _I'm_ the victim here!"

Seiga briefly gave me a look over, probably verifying my non-jiangshi status, then grinned.

I knew that grin. _She_ always wore that grin prior to unleashing something unpleasant. A chill went down my spine. Somehow, instinctively, I just knew _she_ and Seiga were on the same wavelength.

"Yoshika."

"Yes, Lady Seiga?"

"Did you notice anything missing from this person over here?"

Yoshika would've scratched her head in thought if her limbs weren't so stiff, I bet. Lacking the necessary brainpower to process a correct answer, she admitted, "No, I don't, Lady Seiga."

Seiga pointed a finger at her own forehead. "He's missing a talisman. Here. How can I possibly control my servants without those?"

"Oh. Oh, yeah." Setting aside the fact that I had absolutely no intention of becoming anybody's servant, I wondered what unhinged personality would choose to control an army of the undead.

"Please forgive Yoshika, human. She is simply following orders to create more of her kind."

"I don't think that's going to be possible; I'm obviously unharmed, as you can tell, but since you're her superior, this is your fault as well." Did I have a death wish? Why was I admonishing this woman?

"My, you're an interesting one." Déjà vu? "Tell me your name, human."

"Hachiman." I doubted that not giving her my full name would have any consequences.

"Hachiman, do you have any idea who I am?"

I shook my head; I didn't care, either, but saying that out loud would have lead to a BAD END.

"Great! Then that means the propaganda hasn't sullied your perception of me!" Seiga must have had a pretty negative reputation in Gensoukyou if she put it like that. [**9**] "I'm Kaku Seiga, a hermit. Though technically speaking, 'Cloistered Mystical Taoist Pious Mountain Wizard' would be a more accurate description." [**10**]

"Yeah, I'll just stick with 'hermit', if that's fine with you." Realizing that I hadn't been torn limb from limb yet, I asked, "Why aren't you summoning more helpers to surround and attack me? Yoshika was acting like a guard earlier, as if I was trespassing. You showing up only reinforces that theory. And yet, here we are, talking in a civil manner."

"You're correct; I could have done that and resolved this in an instant. But normally, a human doesn't last this long against Yoshika. I personally find that fact, and you, by extension, _very_ interesting. And besides, I can always forcibly convert you later, if I so wish." [**11**] [**12**]

_Yup. Definitely like _her _in all the worst ways_. _I need to make her lose interest in me as fast as possible, then_.

"Nope, I'm just an average human, nothing special about me. Can I take my leave now?" I was really hoping she wouldn't pry any further.

Yoshika began slowly chasing something in the background; probably that purple blur I saw earlier. Good, at least her attention wasn't on me for the time being.

"So you _didn't_ come here to get a taste of my delectable flesh?" As she said this, she sensually slipped her dress' sleeve off, exposing a shoulder blade.

"What?! No, I already told you I didn't know who you were!" _That was unexpected, to say the least!_ "Besides, I'm not comfortable with eating anything that closely resembles humans." I was going to say 'cannibalism' at first, but that only applies to the same species.

Seiga looked slightly insulted, though I was sure it was just a false expression. "Really? You'll gain youkai powers if you do, though I won't make it that easy for you." [**13**] _Oh, so you were just deliberately misleading me with that innuendo_. Another similarity with _her_. "Well then, how about this? If you become a hermit another way, you can still reap all of the benefits!"

I wasn't going to get pulled into her pace, so I maintained a poker face. "What other methods could a human like myself use?" I doubted the gods here in Gensoukyou looked upon me with such favor that they would directly transform me into a hermit. [**14**]

"You could do what I did," began Seiga. "Fake your own death!"

I wasn't sure I heard that correctly. "That sounds like the complete opposite of what a 'pious' individual should do." Also, isn't that just a fugitive?

"OK, so I left out a lot of boring details, but you are correct. People are supposed to die when they are killed, but since my actions are seen by the narrow-minded are 'evil', Hell occasionally sends assassins after me to 'properly' see me off." I made note of her sarcastic air quotes, sensing that Seiga had become accustomed to this 'minor inconvenience'.

"And how often do you have to defend yourself from these killers?"

"Ah, not that often, maybe once or twice a century." At least it isn't _that_ frequent. [**15**] But then factoring in other humans and youkai who wish to consume hermit flesh, and that frequency climbs a bit. So far, not exactly the type of life I would wish for.

"In addition to an unaging body, hermits no longer need to worry about daily worries such as sustenance and warmth. A hermit's world is separate from the chaotic world of humans."

This was a much stronger selling point for me, though I wasn't seriously considering the idea, given the whole 'hunted by Heaven and Hell' thing. As my dream was to be a househusband, the appeal of not needing to work in order to put food on the table was undeniably strong. After all, if I don't need to eat, I don't need to make money. However, I was still going to need to somehow legally obtain the latest games and light novels, so maybe I didn't need to work nearly as much, then.

"Oh, but there is one more catch, though." Really? The divine hitmen weren't enough? "You also need to cut off all ties with family and friends. But you don't look like you have that many ties remaining anyways."

Where did that assessment of me come from? Sure, it wasn't incorrect, given that I ended up in Gensoukyou in the first place, but even I, proud loner that I am, held a few people dear.

And since I was already kicking myself for leaving Komachi behind, there was no way I was ever going to entertain the idea of becoming a hermit, no matter what other benefits were offered.

"I decline."

"What?" Did she honestly think I was going to blindly accept, even after hearing those downsides? "You know, I still hold control over this situation right now. Think carefully about your position."

"I will admit that becoming immortal is one of humanity's greatest dreams, and that I, too, am intrigued. But even assuming the occasional assassin is a nuisance at best, I have bonds with several people very close to me that I will never sever." Besides, I _still_ hadn't caught up with the latest ToraSaba developments.

Seiga simply shrugged her shoulders, having replaced her sleeve at some point in our conversation. "Well, if you ever change your mind, you know where to find my underling."

Yeah, sure. I'm going to try to stay out of any graveyards from now on.

"It's the least I can do, but why don't I take you back to the Human Village?"

Not keen on repeating what happened the first night I arrived, I shook my head. I didn't feel like telling her that both humans and youkai alike had already mistaken me for a non-human. If word ever got back to Yukinoshita, she would mercilessly bring it up as much as possible duing club hours.

"Wait, since you cut off all ties when you became a hermit, who could you possibly be visiting in the Human Village?" The incongruency in her actions all but shouted, 'Point us out!'

"It's the season for a quaint tradition amongst humans where presents are exchanged. Sometimes, a reverse-thief breaks into their homes to leave gifts, without requiring recompense! But get this! No one has ever seen this 'Santa Claus'! Why should we believe in a being whose existence can't be perceived?"

_Huh, so the Christmas tradition has even spread to Gensoukyou?_

"So I thought, _Why not just cut out the middleman_? I'll use my ability to deliver the toys to children, helping prop up local businesses at the same time!" [**16**]

_Oh, so even Seiga has a soft si-_

"And then I'll just collect payment, regardless if they're awake or asleep! I'm not a charity! It's a business opportunity!"

_Never mind, she's way beyond even _her._ Sticky Fingers, what an appropriate Stand._ [**17**]

* * *

**Author's Notes:**

[**1**] Mima is a character from the pre-Windows era of Touhou. Despite being a recurring character in the PC-98 games (1~5), she has not made any official game appearances since then.

[**2**] Aoyama Cemetery is a popular tourist spot in Tokyo, owing to its amazing cherry blossom viewing experience. The juxtaposition of life and death symbolism is readily apparent.

[**3**] 'Jiangshi' is sometimes translated as Chinese vampires, due to life-draining abilities, but zombies are a common Western monster parallel. The Chinese translation is literally 'stiff corpse'. Notable pop culture example include: the enemies in Super Mario Land, Hsien-Ko from Darkstalkers, and Lee Pyron/Bai-Long from Shaman King.

[**4**] Due to Hakurei Reimu's character portrait art fluctuating between games (Mountain of Faith, 10th game), this has become a running joke, usually uttered by Kirisame Marisa. The meme actually predated Yoshika Miyako's first appearance (Ten Desires, 13th game).

[**5**] Unfortunately for Yoshika Miyako, high physical strength is near meaningless when everything is decided by danmaku battles.

[**6**] Yoshika Miyako has the ability to eat anything, and spirits do indeed heal her, but only up to a certain undead extent. "You are what you eat" thankfully does not apply to her. As of 2019, Yoshika Miyako is still the only boss character in an official danmaku-style Touhou game who can heal in battle.

[**7**] A certain abandoned umbrella from the Outside World.

[**8**] Seiga Kaku's ability is to use her hair stick to pass through walls/floors/ceilings. This is not like the X-Men's Shadowcat (becoming intangible), but more like Jojo's [**STICKY FINGERS**].

[**9**] In-universe, Seiga is known as a 'wicked hermit', possessing limited immortality. She is one of the rare named characters to be labelled as 'evil'.

[**10**] This is not an overly verbose translation; the term 'hermit' does not properly encapsulate all of the subtleties.

[**11**] Official materials indicate Yoshika as a very high level threat to humans, while Seiga is faux-friendly towards humans and is 'only' considered a high level threat due to her machinations.

[**12**] In-universe (Touhou), this would usually refer to religious conversion (Taoism), though given Hachiman's situation here, Seiga is probably talking about making him into a jiangshi.

[**13**] Assuming 'humans' fall under the 'animals' umbrella. If a youkai eats hermit flesh, then it will ascend even further.

[**14**] Celestials are a higher class of hermits, some of which are former humans who received Heaven's favor. The only named Touhou character in this category will probably show up in a later chapter.

[**15**] Seiga's age is stated to be at least 1400 years old, so she has probably successfully fought off at least a dozen assassins.

[**16**] Yes, Christmas is indeed celebrated in Gensoukyou to an extent. 'Seiga Claus' is **canon**.

[**17**] I absolutely will not apologize for this pun.

Merry Christmas, you [GAPPED] readers/followers/reviewers.


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